School was hard to go to the other morning.
I was feeling rather unnerved and unsettled.
uncomfortable.
Those feelings are not abnormal to my body though.
The way they press on me and in- simultaneously -
is a phenomenon I'm quite used to by now
having lived with it coming and going from day to day
for quite a number of years now.
I remember on my mission having to decide
if I would let these feelings keep me from
being the missionary I wanted to be or if I would
go about doing good regardless of the bad I felt.
What a strange and unusual thing to bring home
from the mission field, the ability to move forward
when my body is screaming to stay stationary,
lost in time and space, completely unmoving,
paused.
I got out of my bed anyway, got into my clothes
anyway and drove to school anyway.
I didn't do it alone though.
That in-field lesson learned too,
you don't do hard things lonesomely.
So I prayed, head bent, twice before I could will
myself to leave the vehicle and take the first steps.
It felt like walking towards a doom that was imminent
and ominous - a black cloud - grim reaper.
Why do these feelings coexist in me alongside
the undying desire to succeed and overcome?
I cannot reason except there be a hidden lesson
in agency which I seem to live again and again.
I can choose despite what I feel to make and
create my world and the success within it.
As it always seems to, the feelings I'd had
faded as I left them in the car,
walking away from them and moving forward
towards the future success I am creating here.
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