A Christmas Heart

Christmas time and all I see
Are things that still are yet to be.
Stockings still are packed somewhere
And the trees outside aren't even bare.

How will Christmas come this year?
From what I see we've need to fear.
Will the snow fall down tonight
Covering the world in glowing light?

Are we sure our family kin
Will find their way out here to din?
I know we have a few more days
To fix the things I see delayed.

I know that Christmas still can come
Even if the lights aren't strung.
But Christmas feels so far away,
So with my heart I'll kneel to pray.

O God above, hear my pleas
And send some magic down with speed.
Or will the love from You tonight
Help me see that all is right?

I have the things I really need
To feel the season's warmth indeed.
With love to fill these doubtful eyes,
I want to trust Christ as my guide.

He came to Earth for all of us
And lived a life with little fuss.
He knows I want this Christmas time
To feel so special and sublime.

He knows the things I do not see
Bear little weight for eternity.
He lights my heart with Christmas cheer,
Bringing heaven oh so near.

Thank you Friend, dear Jesus Christ,
For all you do for us each night.
And what you've done for me this day
As in faith I knelt to pray.

You've helped me talk to God above
And with Your grace to feel His love.
Christmas came all on its own
Because I made your heart my home.

Grapes

She whispered frantically into the night, "Dan! Dan, come back here!" It was hard to know how loud to be when she knew the neighbors would be sleeping. Stella ran off through the bushes behind the house hoping Dan had gone that way too. Why did he take off like this lately? She looked over the fence, wondering if she dared go into the Yerdley's backyard. Dan liked to climb the tree and slip over the fence sometimes because he thought she was too old to follow.

"Dan! Dan, come back here!" Stella whispered again. Shoot. He didn't seem to be at the Yerdley's. He also like the tree house at the Helmdig's. Sheryl had called Stella last Thursday to let her know that little Dan was sitting up in their tree house eating grapes. She'd replaced the grapes the following day. Perhaps she should try the tree house.

Stella walked along the property line as she neared the Helmdig's home. She wondered what had set Dan off running this time. It was so hard to know what would trigger old memories that he didn't know how to cope with yet. He'd seen too much. For the millionth time, Stella wished Dan's life had turned out differently.

I'm Still Here

It's taken me a long time to be able to come back here - to wander around these words and try to say something. It's been years. Years. I can't believe it has taken so long and I can't believe it didn't take me longer. I've thought about coming back, hoped that I would, and yet it just never felt right, it never felt like time. I've been wandering, experiencing, living. And all of it has led me right back here to writing. Isn't that funny? We come back around eventually to what we love, though it takes some wandering sometimes.

I'm glad that you are still here, dear blog. I'm glad you've stayed standing in my absence, stayed exactly as I left you when I went off on my crusades. And crusade I did, and did well. I feel like I've gained much of what I set out to gain and seen that gaining isn't the quest I was seeking after all these years. I'm lost and found and alive and dead and together and separate and resolute and undecided. I think I thought that growing up would take care of all of this confusion of feeling, and yet, it has not. Where I thought I would find answers, I find space for questions. When I thought I would find steadiness, I find space for chaos.

So much of the world and so much of my life is yet to be lived and yet to be determined. I am still becoming - messy, beautiful, becoming. I want so desperately to have all the answers and I just don't. Not because I'm not capable enough or smart enough or brave enough for all the answers, but because there just aren't answers yet for some of the things inside of me. There aren't words to write or to say yet. They will come in process of time. Time. So elusive and so cunning. It's so much smarter than I am. I just need more time.

Goodnight, dear void.