I just finished watching Laws of Attraction with Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore and I sa-wooned. The first thing I did after that last credit ran and I could pull myself up off the coach was run into the Study to get on Amazon and buy the movie. The shipping cost me more than the movie itself but it is well worth it.
That is the kind of love I want. I remember trying to explain it to a friend last summer. It's the look of love. When a man looks at a woman and you just know... whether she knows it or not... that he loves her. And when she’s not around and he gets that half smile and you know he has to be thinking about her. – The Look of Love.
I want that. When I fall in love - whenever that ends up happening - I want it to happen like that. I hope to high heaven I'm not as blind and idiotic as Julianne (bless her heart) but even if I am I want it to happen like that. I want my future someone to be attracted to me so much that everyone knows it when I walk in the room and he just can't take his eyes off of me.
It is so easy to get caught up in the drama that is dating in Provo, Utah in all it's glamour and glory. And yet love really isn't that complicated. It's all in the look. I'm sure that most people who watched this movie or who will watch it in the future found it cheesy and predictable (aka my father :) ) but I love the way he looks at her. The way he is so in love with her every action and her every word. He is intrigued by her. When he looks at her you can see in his eyes that he wants to spend every moment with her because he knows it would be better with her than without her. He wants to marry her. I want to be mysterious... predictable only to a point. Predictable enough for him to be able to know what to get me for Christmas and Birthdays and the in between present giving days (my mother taught me about those) but mysterious enough for him not to know if I'm going to ask him to hold my hand while we go skydiving or while dance out under the stars one night.
People keep telling me that I probably will marry someone quieter than I am - someone more mellow in order to balance out my personality. I used to get so upset by that because - yes, I could be happy with that but at the same time it still felt like settling. I wanted a man who could sweep me off my toes and who would keep me guessing as well. Someone outgoing and funny who would drag me out of the house at any given moment to dance in a thunder storm at the height of its raging. Maybe someone even more outgoing than I am. But maybe that's not what is most important after all. Tonight I don't care either way. As long as he has the look of love in his eyes when he looks at me. That is all that matters.
After all, it's all in the look.
On top of and even more than the look though is the meaning of those rings on your left hand after you promise to love and cherish one another from that point forward. I'm terrified of divorce. I will openly admit that. It scares me to the core. It can be devastating and heartbreaking and it makes me cry. As a result I can often become terrified of commitment and at times I have a hard time letting people in and trusting them with me on the most basic of levels. Marriage has been a scary and daunting and over talked subject for years to me. And yet after I finished watching Pierce love Julianne marriage wasn't so scary anymore. And those rings meant more than potential hurt and tears. They were the symbol of hope, of love, and of mutual commitment to a better future - a together future. They were more than just metal on a phalange – they were the beautiful outward expression of the inward unity they had with one another and the underlying commitment to one another that bound them wherever they were.
I, Abby Holyoak, do in fact someday want to get married. I want to have a man put a piece of metal on my fourth phalange on my left hand so everyone will know that I promised to love and cherish him and only him and I want to put a piece of metal on that same number phalange on his left hand so everyone knows he promised back. And when we look at each other, I want to have the look of love.
Goodnight, dear void.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
"By the way, I can preach to you... I'm a minister..."
I work at a call center with a headset. And somedays I love it and somedays I really hate it... the headset mostly not the job. There is just something totally fulfilling after getting yelled at for 15 min by Sister Farrer about how Customer Service shouldn't have to ask her so many questions when the operators don't have to and they shouldn't be so mean to people becuase they never know when their last day may be... by the way she can preach to me because she's a minister... and she just wants me to dial her voicemail to take down the number for her brother's cell phone that she refuses to put in her phone list no matter how often she calls in for him to be able to hang up an acutal hand set to say you are finally finished with The Beast. Sigh. Click.
Goodnight, dear void.
P.s. This same minister is the woman who calls in every day only to set curses upon us who are lying White Devil members of the KKK who hang up on her and are nothing but rude. I'm not white though... she refers to me as the black girl.... and then calls us racist. Hmmm.... Heaven bound for sure. Bless her heart.
Goodnight, dear void.
P.s. This same minister is the woman who calls in every day only to set curses upon us who are lying White Devil members of the KKK who hang up on her and are nothing but rude. I'm not white though... she refers to me as the black girl.... and then calls us racist. Hmmm.... Heaven bound for sure. Bless her heart.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The Blink of An Eye
She looked around frantically scanning the crowd for his face. He said he would be there. She looked back and forth expectantly until finally... there. To the left and back four or five people. He was scanning back looking just as frantic as she felt. Their eyes met and smiles appeared on their faces simultaneously as they realized the person they'd been searching for was there in front of them searching too. He pushed through the crowd and grabbed her in a headlock and gave her head a good rubbing before letting her go and wrapping her in a giant bear hug. Two years is a long time to go without seeing your best friend. Life happpened to both of them and soon it was two years and several letters later and here they were... like nothing had changed at all and not a day had gone by. She'd dreamt of this day every day of those two years and couldn't believe it was actually there in front of her. It had seemed like an eternity and in a way it had been. Standing there in his arms she was grateful that it was in that moment with him to hold her up that she truly understood just how much she had missed him while he'd been gone. She wondered if he felt her knees give out. She sent a silent prayer heavenward that this moment would last another eternity.
His heart jumped as he met her eyes and felt her smile reach him from across all those people. How was it that she hadn't changed one bit since he'd left? Sure, her physical appearance had been altered slightly by time but looking into those eyes he knew in her soul she was the same.... better than before but familiar and old at the same time. It felt like it took an eternity to push his way through the crowd to get to her. Two years was a long time to be away from your best friend and he'd missed her every day of that two years. He had to pinch himself to make sure it wasn't another one of his dreams tricking him into believing that he got to have her in his life again. So many times varations of this scene had played out in his subconcious mind... but he'd always found himself looking up at the ceiling just before he reached her. Afraid this would meet the same end he had to smile when he felt the pain of his action reach his cerebral cortex. She was really there wanting to see him as much and he wanted to see her. He grabbed her and wrapped her in the biggest bear hug he could muster. He felt her knees buckle and sent a silent prayer heavenward that she wouldn't feel the tear drop on her shoulder. He'd missed her so much. Holding her their in his arms he hoped this moment would last a little longer than usual.
Stepping back they looked into each other's faces and saw the tears forming in each other's eyes. They chuckled at this moment they were in, grateful to again be sharing it face to face. Another hug, tear, and chuckle and they were on their way away from the crowd. As they walked they both let the cups of their lives spill into one another's sharing experiences and memories from the years apart. And it was like he'd never left. Talking about all this time apart and yet it felt like yesterday that they were shooting hoops talking about his departure. He'd been nervous and a bit apprehensive about the journey. She'd been heartbroken and lonely already. He shot and missed. She shot and scored. They blinked. And there they were playing pool and picking up right where they'd left off. Two years was a long time to miss your best friend. It had been an eternity and the blink of an eye. And now it was over. He shot and missed. She shot and scored. They blinked.
His heart jumped as he met her eyes and felt her smile reach him from across all those people. How was it that she hadn't changed one bit since he'd left? Sure, her physical appearance had been altered slightly by time but looking into those eyes he knew in her soul she was the same.... better than before but familiar and old at the same time. It felt like it took an eternity to push his way through the crowd to get to her. Two years was a long time to be away from your best friend and he'd missed her every day of that two years. He had to pinch himself to make sure it wasn't another one of his dreams tricking him into believing that he got to have her in his life again. So many times varations of this scene had played out in his subconcious mind... but he'd always found himself looking up at the ceiling just before he reached her. Afraid this would meet the same end he had to smile when he felt the pain of his action reach his cerebral cortex. She was really there wanting to see him as much and he wanted to see her. He grabbed her and wrapped her in the biggest bear hug he could muster. He felt her knees buckle and sent a silent prayer heavenward that she wouldn't feel the tear drop on her shoulder. He'd missed her so much. Holding her their in his arms he hoped this moment would last a little longer than usual.
Stepping back they looked into each other's faces and saw the tears forming in each other's eyes. They chuckled at this moment they were in, grateful to again be sharing it face to face. Another hug, tear, and chuckle and they were on their way away from the crowd. As they walked they both let the cups of their lives spill into one another's sharing experiences and memories from the years apart. And it was like he'd never left. Talking about all this time apart and yet it felt like yesterday that they were shooting hoops talking about his departure. He'd been nervous and a bit apprehensive about the journey. She'd been heartbroken and lonely already. He shot and missed. She shot and scored. They blinked. And there they were playing pool and picking up right where they'd left off. Two years was a long time to miss your best friend. It had been an eternity and the blink of an eye. And now it was over. He shot and missed. She shot and scored. They blinked.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Gary C Webb
I get attached to people. Ask my roommates. I really do. People who I see randomly one time and never again. Or people who I see regularly who just astound me and amaze me for one reason or another. Typically I'm so intimidated by them that I can't bring myself to talk to them until several months after discovering them for the first time. I just love them. I idolize them for the things they do without even considering that anyone has noticed them doing it. And they make my world a better place just by being in it.
First was Nathan.
Then Keith, Rose, and Michelle.
And today... Gary C Webb.
Nathan I met on the bus my freshman year. I saw him walking to the bus and my heart went out to him. He has some sort of physical disability that makes it extremely difficult to walk. And watching him broke my heart. I remember distinctly walking behind him one day and offering a silent prayer in my heart of gratitude for my legs and for the ability to walk without pain or hardship and also a prayer for Nathan that he would be blessed for his endurance. I could only imagine how hard it was for him to get anywhere. And yet there he was walking to the bus, getting off and walking to UVU to get an education. I admired his quite dedication and determination to succeed. I never once saw him hesitate or complain about his physical disabilities. He always just pushed onward. Many times I saw him hurrying to the bus stop sweat streaming down his face and yet he went forward. He amazed me day after day without fail. When I finally started talking to him I was astounded at his character ever further. He was recently married and trying hard to get into the music program. He taught me a lot about really chasing your dreams. I enjoyed our conversations and looked forward to sitting and chatting with him every day on my way home. Nathan made me thankful for the blessings in my life and made me want to strive to live everyday in gratitude never taking those blessings for granted.
Keith was an old man in my American Lit class fall semester sophomore year who I just thought was darling. He had to be 80 years old and he came to every class with his anthology in hand, read, and willing to discuss whichever piece we were inspecting that day. I loved him. I loved the idea of still being at University when I was 80 and of still stretching the corners of my mind and thinking about literature in all its depths. There were several times that I wanted to talk to him. To ask him his story and I just couldn’t. I admired him too much and thought myself too much beneath him to talk to him. It sounds completely ridiculous and silly but I promise that’s how I felt. One day we happened to be in the same discussion group and I loved his ideas about the poem we read and his view on the world of literature. It was a fabulous day in my life. Keith created gratitude in my soul for education and for Universities where one can come to study and improve. Keith made me want to be an eternal student - forever expanding the reaches of my intellect and increasing the well of my knowledge.
Rose was a guest I met at Jo Anns during the holiday season sophomore year. Every time a new coupon came out she was there buying another two spools of ribbon to make her grandchildren’s Christmas presents. For months I knew that I could expect her to come in once a week until she’d purchased each and every one of her grandchildren their spool of ribbon which would help her complete their Christmas surprise. I loved her patience and diligence. I have helped many guests in my time at Jo Anns and only a few have stuck out to me. Rose was one of them. I remember specifically one night her explaining her grand financial plan… She told me that everywhere she went she always paid in cash so she would be sure she always indeed did have funds for her purchase and also so she could save her one dollar bills. When she wrote down her expenditures she would put down $5.00 even instead of $2.57 so she wouldn’t miss the extra dollars. Then she would put the dollar bills away for a rainy day. You wouldn’t believe all the things she told me she bought with her dollar bills when those rainy days stormed down upon her family over the years. I have never forgotten that advice and have been much more conscientious about where and how my dollar bills leave me. Rose taught me to plan for the future because you can’t always see the storm until the thunder rolls and it is too late. I always wished I could thank her for her advice and tell her how much it meant to me that she was always so willing to be like my own grandmother to me whom she did not even know. And then one day I got a new job working at Jitterbug and there was Rose. We have since had many conversations about life and love and I have discovered again that I want to live a life of service.
Michelle. I don’t even really have words for her sometimes when I try to describe her. She just is Michelle. I met her at Jitterbug this last semester. I work a random morning shift on Saturdays and started talking to her some then but didn’t really know how unbelievably incredible she was until she switched to the night shift. She is one of those people you meet only a few times in your life who for whatever reason you just click with. I love her. More than I love several if not most of the people in this world. She is divine. She has to be the daughter of a King. That is the only explanation I could see making sense for Michelle being Michelle. You can just tell in the way she carries herself. In the way she listens to others and talks to them about their lives. She makes you want to be a better person just by being around her. She never has to say anything – you just see her quietly pressing onward and want to try a little harder to reach your own potential. She inspires you and instils in you the power and desire to grow. I feel so unworthy to be her friend and yet I never want to imagine my life without some form of contact with her. She reminds me of Glinda the good fairy in that she just makes you believe that all your wishes and dreams really can come true and then somehow she shows you just how you can make them so. Our late night talks have really helped me rediscover who I am and who I can be. I believe in myself because Michelle believed in me first.
Gary C. Webb called in today and I loved him in an instant. He called me so he could be sure that upper management got the message that James in Detroit Customer Service was an asset to our company and that he was so extremely patient and kind to Gary that he really felt he should be recognized for it. He wanted to emphasize that too often the only feedback anyone gets about their employees is negative because someone was in a bad mood that day. So he wanted to be sure to set some good feedback in motion for James. What a sweet man. He said he’d already been speaking with James’ supervisor but that he was cut off and just wanted to be sure everyone knew about James’ outstanding work. He took a good 15 – 20 min out of his day just to be sure that someone else was given the credit and applause that they deserved. He didn’t have to do it and yet he was more than happy to. Towards the end of the call he asked my name again and I told him it was Abby. He told me that was a beautiful name and inquired if it was short for Abigail. I told him it was not but that secretly sometimes I wished it was really Abigail because I love LOve LOVE the name Abigail. He told me to go down the courthouse and change it if it didn’t cost too much. He told me to go out and get my name. It wasn’t my full name or my last name so it shouldn’t hurt my parents too much but that I should do that little thing for myself. It was such a cute old man thing to say. We chatted a bit longer and I got off the phone more grateful for my own name and more grateful to be me. Gary taught me that I am more than a name and that we all need to do a little something extra for ourselves from time to time. And if we can, take a few min out of our day to pass on a kind word about a fellow human. Pay it forward.
There are so many more people like this who have come in and out of my life whom I have loved so very deeply. Some I have never even talked to but have just loved and admired from afar, grateful to God that they exist in the world and for that moment that they existed in my life. You just may be one of these very people to someone out there is this vast universe and you don’t even have a clue. I pray in my heart that I can be this kind of person to just one other someone in my life. That would mean the world to me and make my life complete.
Extraordinary people are all around us every day. Do we take the time to notice them or are we too busy in our own lives to take but a moment to be grateful for someone else? Taking the time to see these people in my own life has enriched and blessed my life in so many ways. I pray this childlike love and admiration stays with me throughout the rest of my years to continue to buoy me up and make me stronger.
Thank you to all the Nathans, Keiths, Roses, Michelles, and Garys who make this world and the people in it better just by being apart of the life around them. You are all divine.
Goodnight, dear void.
First was Nathan.
Then Keith, Rose, and Michelle.
And today... Gary C Webb.
Nathan I met on the bus my freshman year. I saw him walking to the bus and my heart went out to him. He has some sort of physical disability that makes it extremely difficult to walk. And watching him broke my heart. I remember distinctly walking behind him one day and offering a silent prayer in my heart of gratitude for my legs and for the ability to walk without pain or hardship and also a prayer for Nathan that he would be blessed for his endurance. I could only imagine how hard it was for him to get anywhere. And yet there he was walking to the bus, getting off and walking to UVU to get an education. I admired his quite dedication and determination to succeed. I never once saw him hesitate or complain about his physical disabilities. He always just pushed onward. Many times I saw him hurrying to the bus stop sweat streaming down his face and yet he went forward. He amazed me day after day without fail. When I finally started talking to him I was astounded at his character ever further. He was recently married and trying hard to get into the music program. He taught me a lot about really chasing your dreams. I enjoyed our conversations and looked forward to sitting and chatting with him every day on my way home. Nathan made me thankful for the blessings in my life and made me want to strive to live everyday in gratitude never taking those blessings for granted.
Keith was an old man in my American Lit class fall semester sophomore year who I just thought was darling. He had to be 80 years old and he came to every class with his anthology in hand, read, and willing to discuss whichever piece we were inspecting that day. I loved him. I loved the idea of still being at University when I was 80 and of still stretching the corners of my mind and thinking about literature in all its depths. There were several times that I wanted to talk to him. To ask him his story and I just couldn’t. I admired him too much and thought myself too much beneath him to talk to him. It sounds completely ridiculous and silly but I promise that’s how I felt. One day we happened to be in the same discussion group and I loved his ideas about the poem we read and his view on the world of literature. It was a fabulous day in my life. Keith created gratitude in my soul for education and for Universities where one can come to study and improve. Keith made me want to be an eternal student - forever expanding the reaches of my intellect and increasing the well of my knowledge.
Rose was a guest I met at Jo Anns during the holiday season sophomore year. Every time a new coupon came out she was there buying another two spools of ribbon to make her grandchildren’s Christmas presents. For months I knew that I could expect her to come in once a week until she’d purchased each and every one of her grandchildren their spool of ribbon which would help her complete their Christmas surprise. I loved her patience and diligence. I have helped many guests in my time at Jo Anns and only a few have stuck out to me. Rose was one of them. I remember specifically one night her explaining her grand financial plan… She told me that everywhere she went she always paid in cash so she would be sure she always indeed did have funds for her purchase and also so she could save her one dollar bills. When she wrote down her expenditures she would put down $5.00 even instead of $2.57 so she wouldn’t miss the extra dollars. Then she would put the dollar bills away for a rainy day. You wouldn’t believe all the things she told me she bought with her dollar bills when those rainy days stormed down upon her family over the years. I have never forgotten that advice and have been much more conscientious about where and how my dollar bills leave me. Rose taught me to plan for the future because you can’t always see the storm until the thunder rolls and it is too late. I always wished I could thank her for her advice and tell her how much it meant to me that she was always so willing to be like my own grandmother to me whom she did not even know. And then one day I got a new job working at Jitterbug and there was Rose. We have since had many conversations about life and love and I have discovered again that I want to live a life of service.
Michelle. I don’t even really have words for her sometimes when I try to describe her. She just is Michelle. I met her at Jitterbug this last semester. I work a random morning shift on Saturdays and started talking to her some then but didn’t really know how unbelievably incredible she was until she switched to the night shift. She is one of those people you meet only a few times in your life who for whatever reason you just click with. I love her. More than I love several if not most of the people in this world. She is divine. She has to be the daughter of a King. That is the only explanation I could see making sense for Michelle being Michelle. You can just tell in the way she carries herself. In the way she listens to others and talks to them about their lives. She makes you want to be a better person just by being around her. She never has to say anything – you just see her quietly pressing onward and want to try a little harder to reach your own potential. She inspires you and instils in you the power and desire to grow. I feel so unworthy to be her friend and yet I never want to imagine my life without some form of contact with her. She reminds me of Glinda the good fairy in that she just makes you believe that all your wishes and dreams really can come true and then somehow she shows you just how you can make them so. Our late night talks have really helped me rediscover who I am and who I can be. I believe in myself because Michelle believed in me first.
Gary C. Webb called in today and I loved him in an instant. He called me so he could be sure that upper management got the message that James in Detroit Customer Service was an asset to our company and that he was so extremely patient and kind to Gary that he really felt he should be recognized for it. He wanted to emphasize that too often the only feedback anyone gets about their employees is negative because someone was in a bad mood that day. So he wanted to be sure to set some good feedback in motion for James. What a sweet man. He said he’d already been speaking with James’ supervisor but that he was cut off and just wanted to be sure everyone knew about James’ outstanding work. He took a good 15 – 20 min out of his day just to be sure that someone else was given the credit and applause that they deserved. He didn’t have to do it and yet he was more than happy to. Towards the end of the call he asked my name again and I told him it was Abby. He told me that was a beautiful name and inquired if it was short for Abigail. I told him it was not but that secretly sometimes I wished it was really Abigail because I love LOve LOVE the name Abigail. He told me to go down the courthouse and change it if it didn’t cost too much. He told me to go out and get my name. It wasn’t my full name or my last name so it shouldn’t hurt my parents too much but that I should do that little thing for myself. It was such a cute old man thing to say. We chatted a bit longer and I got off the phone more grateful for my own name and more grateful to be me. Gary taught me that I am more than a name and that we all need to do a little something extra for ourselves from time to time. And if we can, take a few min out of our day to pass on a kind word about a fellow human. Pay it forward.
There are so many more people like this who have come in and out of my life whom I have loved so very deeply. Some I have never even talked to but have just loved and admired from afar, grateful to God that they exist in the world and for that moment that they existed in my life. You just may be one of these very people to someone out there is this vast universe and you don’t even have a clue. I pray in my heart that I can be this kind of person to just one other someone in my life. That would mean the world to me and make my life complete.
Extraordinary people are all around us every day. Do we take the time to notice them or are we too busy in our own lives to take but a moment to be grateful for someone else? Taking the time to see these people in my own life has enriched and blessed my life in so many ways. I pray this childlike love and admiration stays with me throughout the rest of my years to continue to buoy me up and make me stronger.
Thank you to all the Nathans, Keiths, Roses, Michelles, and Garys who make this world and the people in it better just by being apart of the life around them. You are all divine.
Goodnight, dear void.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Truth About Forever
When I was a little kid in high school I remember wanting to finish all sorts of reading lists each year to put on my college transcripts as something I had done in my spare time that was worthwhile and intellectual. I'm not sure I ever actually read all the books so much as checked them all out of the library and then paid the fines for them and gave them back several months later.
Out of all those books there is only one that managed to stick with me over the years. And sadly enough I'm not even certain I would have read it had my older sister not picked it up over Christmas break and loved it. It took me a good 6 months to follow suit and read it. I received my own copy of the book that Christmas and have been reading it ever since.
I just picked it up again last week and am amazed how much I can still relate to it. I haven't read it for several years as moving and life have called my attention to other things. I was afraid that I would read it and be disappointed and that it wouldn't mean as much to me this time around as it had back then. Back then I hadn't neccessarily been a Macy but I'd had a Wes. His name was Jordan Johnson and oh how I loved him. Sa-woon! He was my best friend and the one with whom I'd shared all my truths. I wanted more than anything for us to end up together, but we fate would not have it so. I remember reading the ending so many times and relating directly to Macy and Wes and understanding completely their situation.
Now I have no Wes and I have become Macy. So strange how the tables have turned. Not only do I see myself more as a Macy this last year but I also have more of a Jason in my life than a Wes. How is it that I've regressed? I feel as though I'm relearning things I remember knowing before. Things that as a 15 year old I didn't struggle with and yet things that as a 20 year old I've forgotten. Silly, silly, silly. Not only did I feel so much like Macy Queen but all around me things keep happening almost straight from the book. It's been an interesting week filled with so many things all around me reminding me that "forever (is) so many different things. It (is) always changing, it (is) what everything (is) really about. It (is) twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant I (wish) would last and last..."
Reading this book now and really thinking about myself in terms of Macy has made me see my life is a new and strange way. It has made me really think about what I want my forever to be. I find myself wondering what it is I would do - right now - if I could do anything.
The beautiful thing about forever is that I, as Macy did, can move on beyond the past. I can change. What has happened does not make the future set in stone.
I can feel myself standing at a giant crossroads in my life. I've been standing
here afraid to make a choice and afraid to move. But it is time. Time to change. Time to accept all that has happened and move on to all that is yet able to occur. I have the choice to continue down the same path, unchanged from the events of this last year or I can start down a new road and alter the current course of my life. It is up to me. I have the power to choose my own forever. Which makes me think of Emerson... or is it Thoreau? ... It's Emerson... "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within us out into the world, miracles happen." I'm not asking for miracles.
But it is time to follow my own Wish.
"There (is) only one truth about forever that really matter(s), and that (is) this: it (is) happening. Right (now), and every moment afterwards. Look, there. Now. Now. Now."
Goodnight, dear void.
Out of all those books there is only one that managed to stick with me over the years. And sadly enough I'm not even certain I would have read it had my older sister not picked it up over Christmas break and loved it. It took me a good 6 months to follow suit and read it. I received my own copy of the book that Christmas and have been reading it ever since.
I just picked it up again last week and am amazed how much I can still relate to it. I haven't read it for several years as moving and life have called my attention to other things. I was afraid that I would read it and be disappointed and that it wouldn't mean as much to me this time around as it had back then. Back then I hadn't neccessarily been a Macy but I'd had a Wes. His name was Jordan Johnson and oh how I loved him. Sa-woon! He was my best friend and the one with whom I'd shared all my truths. I wanted more than anything for us to end up together, but we fate would not have it so. I remember reading the ending so many times and relating directly to Macy and Wes and understanding completely their situation.
Now I have no Wes and I have become Macy. So strange how the tables have turned. Not only do I see myself more as a Macy this last year but I also have more of a Jason in my life than a Wes. How is it that I've regressed? I feel as though I'm relearning things I remember knowing before. Things that as a 15 year old I didn't struggle with and yet things that as a 20 year old I've forgotten. Silly, silly, silly. Not only did I feel so much like Macy Queen but all around me things keep happening almost straight from the book. It's been an interesting week filled with so many things all around me reminding me that "forever (is) so many different things. It (is) always changing, it (is) what everything (is) really about. It (is) twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant I (wish) would last and last..."
Reading this book now and really thinking about myself in terms of Macy has made me see my life is a new and strange way. It has made me really think about what I want my forever to be. I find myself wondering what it is I would do - right now - if I could do anything.
The beautiful thing about forever is that I, as Macy did, can move on beyond the past. I can change. What has happened does not make the future set in stone.
I can feel myself standing at a giant crossroads in my life. I've been standing
here afraid to make a choice and afraid to move. But it is time. Time to change. Time to accept all that has happened and move on to all that is yet able to occur. I have the choice to continue down the same path, unchanged from the events of this last year or I can start down a new road and alter the current course of my life. It is up to me. I have the power to choose my own forever. Which makes me think of Emerson... or is it Thoreau? ... It's Emerson... "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within us out into the world, miracles happen." I'm not asking for miracles.
But it is time to follow my own Wish.
"There (is) only one truth about forever that really matter(s), and that (is) this: it (is) happening. Right (now), and every moment afterwards. Look, there. Now. Now. Now."
Goodnight, dear void.
Monday, August 2, 2010
What About Bob?
Have you ever seen the movie What About Bob?
If you haven't - stop now and go watch it - or at least go to YouTube and type in What About Bob Dinner Scene.
This is how I feel about my life.
MMMmmmmmmmm... MMmmmmMMMMMmmmmmmMMMMMMMm.... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
This is how I feel about the past two years and about the upcoming year. My third year living in Provo, Utah - a place I never wanted to live and cannot seem to live without anymore. MMMMmmmm. The more I think about everything that has happened and all that is to come all I can think is MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmMMMMMM!
I'm becoming concerned that I will never again be able to express myself without an MMMMmmmm.
Goodnight, dear void.
If you haven't - stop now and go watch it - or at least go to YouTube and type in What About Bob Dinner Scene.
This is how I feel about my life.
MMMmmmmmmmm... MMmmmmMMMMMmmmmmmMMMMMMMm.... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
This is how I feel about the past two years and about the upcoming year. My third year living in Provo, Utah - a place I never wanted to live and cannot seem to live without anymore. MMMMmmmm. The more I think about everything that has happened and all that is to come all I can think is MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmMMMMMM!
I'm becoming concerned that I will never again be able to express myself without an MMMMmmmm.
Goodnight, dear void.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Building Forts
I'm moving out of my house this week. My house that I've lived in for 2 years. My house that has really become more of a home than a house. The girls who have lived in this house with me have become my dearest friends. We've laughed together and cried together. We've been through the best of times and the worst of times. We've screamed about spiders and argued about the dishes. We've composted and hung our laundry out on the line. We've gone on walks, driven warp 5 to church, and taken time to sing Kumbaya on the front sidewalk at 1am. We've danced in the rain and swung endlessly on our sideyard swings. We've played Donkey Kong and Disney Skate Boarding on my PS2. We've made pear cheese pie for breakfast and more shapecakes than most. We've had small parties and blow out parties. We've lived separate lives and pushed the couches up against one another becuase we couldn't handle being apart. I've loved it here.
And then there are the boys around the corner who have managed to become some of my dearest confidants. How did I get so lucky as to be able to have such wonderful boys in my life caring about me and loving me. They have seen me through more than they will ever know and I think that's one of the reasons I love them the most. Even though the boys living in that blessed house have changed as the winds of time have blown, every boy who has lived in that house has touched my life in some way big or small and probably without even trying or meaning to... just because they are them. When I didn't know where else to turn with dissapointements and short comings, with saddness, sorrow, heart ache, frustration, or me they were there. I remember one night being so sad and wanting so badly for someone to make it better. I texted Greg that I wanted to talk to him but didn't want to come in his house because I'd been crying and I didn't want to talk to anyone else. Greg told me to come over because he was the only one home so no one else would see me and we could talk. I trusted him and went over only to have Chandler come down from his room and Evan wander in in his bathrobe. Ha. What a good memory. They loved me despite the mascara stains down my face, don't worry. They were worried about me and offered shoulders to cry on and hairs on heads to play with to distract me. And I loved each of them a little more in turn as a result becuase they'd loved me when I needed it most. Understood when I felt no one could and sent me home knowing that in them at least I had friends. And in that moment I learned that it's okay to let people in.
Greg, Wills, Robbie, Evan, Chandler, Aaron, Gordon, Lance, Collin, Justin, and even Byran. There are 11 girls in this world who I am or will be very happy for and little jealous of. Bless my heart.
So many people in the last two years who have walked in and out of my life. And I have been so grateful. And I will continue to be grateful for the men and women who have been apart of my learning and growing experience in 187 E 200 N. They have seen me becoming whoever it is that I will become someday. And they have been apart of that becoming. They have added and taken away attributes and parts of me that have molded and shaped a better me than would have been without them.
I'm moving this week. But I'm taking these places, people, and experiences with me. I'm moving on but not leaving them behind. They are apart of me and without them I feel I would cease to be me. Instead of packing I tell Sarah that I'm building forts in my room and that is why I have boxes all over and why I've been spending so much time in there alone. Not packing. Building forts. And as I sit here blogging in the middle of the mess that is building forts I can't help but think that with these people and these things that I'm taking with me I'm simply building a new fort on the west side of the freeway on Center Street in Provo, Utah. A fort built out of the best building materials - memories, friendship, and love. And in that fort across the freeway there will be new memories and new people just as there were in my fort at 187 E 200 N. It has just come time to build a new fort so I can build a new me. A me that has a foundation clearly marked 187 E 200 N in big, bolded numbers and letters so as to help me remember where I came from and who I am.
Thank you 187 E 200 N. You have changed my life.
Goodnight, dear void.
And then there are the boys around the corner who have managed to become some of my dearest confidants. How did I get so lucky as to be able to have such wonderful boys in my life caring about me and loving me. They have seen me through more than they will ever know and I think that's one of the reasons I love them the most. Even though the boys living in that blessed house have changed as the winds of time have blown, every boy who has lived in that house has touched my life in some way big or small and probably without even trying or meaning to... just because they are them. When I didn't know where else to turn with dissapointements and short comings, with saddness, sorrow, heart ache, frustration, or me they were there. I remember one night being so sad and wanting so badly for someone to make it better. I texted Greg that I wanted to talk to him but didn't want to come in his house because I'd been crying and I didn't want to talk to anyone else. Greg told me to come over because he was the only one home so no one else would see me and we could talk. I trusted him and went over only to have Chandler come down from his room and Evan wander in in his bathrobe. Ha. What a good memory. They loved me despite the mascara stains down my face, don't worry. They were worried about me and offered shoulders to cry on and hairs on heads to play with to distract me. And I loved each of them a little more in turn as a result becuase they'd loved me when I needed it most. Understood when I felt no one could and sent me home knowing that in them at least I had friends. And in that moment I learned that it's okay to let people in.
Greg, Wills, Robbie, Evan, Chandler, Aaron, Gordon, Lance, Collin, Justin, and even Byran. There are 11 girls in this world who I am or will be very happy for and little jealous of. Bless my heart.
So many people in the last two years who have walked in and out of my life. And I have been so grateful. And I will continue to be grateful for the men and women who have been apart of my learning and growing experience in 187 E 200 N. They have seen me becoming whoever it is that I will become someday. And they have been apart of that becoming. They have added and taken away attributes and parts of me that have molded and shaped a better me than would have been without them.
I'm moving this week. But I'm taking these places, people, and experiences with me. I'm moving on but not leaving them behind. They are apart of me and without them I feel I would cease to be me. Instead of packing I tell Sarah that I'm building forts in my room and that is why I have boxes all over and why I've been spending so much time in there alone. Not packing. Building forts. And as I sit here blogging in the middle of the mess that is building forts I can't help but think that with these people and these things that I'm taking with me I'm simply building a new fort on the west side of the freeway on Center Street in Provo, Utah. A fort built out of the best building materials - memories, friendship, and love. And in that fort across the freeway there will be new memories and new people just as there were in my fort at 187 E 200 N. It has just come time to build a new fort so I can build a new me. A me that has a foundation clearly marked 187 E 200 N in big, bolded numbers and letters so as to help me remember where I came from and who I am.
Thank you 187 E 200 N. You have changed my life.
Goodnight, dear void.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)