I'm Still Here

It's taken me a long time to be able to come back here - to wander around these words and try to say something. It's been years. Years. I can't believe it has taken so long and I can't believe it didn't take me longer. I've thought about coming back, hoped that I would, and yet it just never felt right, it never felt like time. I've been wandering, experiencing, living. And all of it has led me right back here to writing. Isn't that funny? We come back around eventually to what we love, though it takes some wandering sometimes.

I'm glad that you are still here, dear blog. I'm glad you've stayed standing in my absence, stayed exactly as I left you when I went off on my crusades. And crusade I did, and did well. I feel like I've gained much of what I set out to gain and seen that gaining isn't the quest I was seeking after all these years. I'm lost and found and alive and dead and together and separate and resolute and undecided. I think I thought that growing up would take care of all of this confusion of feeling, and yet, it has not. Where I thought I would find answers, I find space for questions. When I thought I would find steadiness, I find space for chaos.

So much of the world and so much of my life is yet to be lived and yet to be determined. I am still becoming - messy, beautiful, becoming. I want so desperately to have all the answers and I just don't. Not because I'm not capable enough or smart enough or brave enough for all the answers, but because there just aren't answers yet for some of the things inside of me. There aren't words to write or to say yet. They will come in process of time. Time. So elusive and so cunning. It's so much smarter than I am. I just need more time.

Goodnight, dear void.