I can't

I don't want to talk to you. How can I tell you that without breaking your heart? You keep messaging me, but what am I supposed to say? You were always the one with the words, so you've always expected me to have words to say back. I try to tell you that I have none; you never find that answer valid or acceptable. I guess it isn't that I don't want to talk to you, it's that I don't know how to. I want you in my life but things won't be any different for you than they are now. And I know that you want different. I can't give it to you though. So what then? What happens when I disappoint you all over again; you know I will. You are always so strong and so alive. I used to pretend to be strong, for your sake. I've never been alive.