If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Earth laughs in flowers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
Life is without meaning.
You bring the meaning to it.
The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be.
Being alive is the meaning.
- Joseph Campbell
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene
Happiness depends upon ourselves.
- Aristotle
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here we might as well dance.
- Anonymous
Today I feel like a complete and utter failure in all aspects of my life. But then I think of all the obstacles that I have overcome to get to this place and see that I have made huge strides in a forward direction and breathe again knowing that while my life is still nowhere near perfect, it is also nowhere near failure; tonight that is enough.
Goodnight, dear void.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
53 and Main
How is it that there is still so much to do when I've already done so much? Man, I swear, no matter how many hours I spend on this, it is never going to be enough; there will always be more to do. Bah! Man, I am exhausted. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I can't think straight these days. Is it just me or is there too much hazelnut in this hot chocolate. Just my luck, in the middle of the busiest month of my life I can't even get my hot chocolate right. Come on, can't just one thing in my life go right? Ugh.
"Mam?"
"Yes?"
"Would you like another cocoa? Not that it is any of my business, but you come in here every day, order hot cocoa and nothing else, would you like something to eat? You seem very distracted and extremely overworked, might I suggest taking just a moment for yourself and try our chicken cordon bleu? I think it might really give you the edge you seem to be looking for?"
Who is this guy? And why is he so concerned with my hot chocolate intake habits? So what if I come here every day and drink only hot chocolate? What's it to ya? They are my calories, I will spend them how I like. And besides, I tip you very well for each of those hot chocolates, thank you very much.... Sir. Can you hear yourself, get a grip.
"I appreciate very much your interest in the matter, I am actually on my way out today though, just the check would be fine, thank you....Ranaldo."
"As you wish, Madame."
I really do need to start sleeping again, I'm starting to get snippity with people.
"There you are. You're sure there isn't anything else I can do for you today?"
"Not today, Ranaldo. But as always, thank you. I will see you tomorrow."
"But of course. Enjoy your day."
"You as well."
Since when did Ranaldo start talking to customers? He used to be so quiet and reserved. I wonder what changed.
"Hello? Yes, this is she. No, I did not order chrysanthemums, I ordered lilies. No. Yes. White. Pink. Fine, just get it done. Thank you."
My tooth is acting up again; I really need to find time to get into that dentist. I didn't really like him last time though. I think he messed up my teeth alignment. Plus, he left me in that room alone for at least twenty minutes. I nearly feel asleep by the time he finally came back to finish up. Not nearly, I did fall asleep. Who does that to a patient? I don't want to have to find another one though. Who does that?? Breath. Let it go. It doesn't really matter.
"Mom? What is it? Is everything okay? No, I haven't heard from her. I told you, we had a falling out last month and we haven't spoken to each other since. Fine, I will give her a call at the end of the week and check up on her. Yes, I know. Just because I should be the bigger person doesn't mean I am going to be. I will call her. Stop hounding me. Thank you. It was good talking to you, too. Uh huh. Bye."
How do mothers seem to know everything going on in everyone'e live anyways? Shelly and I haven't spoken or communicated in any form for over a month and I certainly am not going to be the one to break the trend. It's not my fault we're in the mess. Whatever, it's not worth my time to think about anyway. Good thing I started Yoga again this fall, otherwise my stress level would be through the roof. As is, I could probably use a little more; maybe I'll pick up another session or two. I wouldn't mind seeing Hannah more often anyway.
"Any messages while I was out, Sandy? I talked to her on my way over. Yes, I know she thinks I should call Shelly, thank you. Oh really, get them on the line, I will take it in my office. Thank you!"
"Yes, thank you for taking my call. I apologize for not being out of the office earlier. Yes, I do have those numbers for you. Are you sure you wanted to stick with that color scheme? I was thinking we might want to look into more of a summer pallet, but I am open to other options as well. Yes, that sounds great. Thank you for you time. I am looking forward to it. Yes. Chao."
"Sandy, will you confirm my dinner reservations for this Saturday night? I need everything to be perfect. Robert and I haven't had a weekend to ourselves in quite some time and I really want to make the most of it. Oh and would mind seeing if the ballet is still running? Othello I think. Thank you."
Okay, almost all done here. Just a few more... done! Man, I might be worried if I wasn't so gosh darn good at what I do! I am fabulous! Now, time for one more finishing touch and I'm outta here! That's a wrap - going home time.
"Sandy, will you call me a cab please? Then you're free to leave. Thank you."
Someday I am going to figure out the bus system, I swear. Or not. I really do love taxis. Meh.
I wonder if Robert will be happy with our weekend holiday in the city. He's seemed so uptight these days, I just want to help him relax a little. And I think we could both use some time to let our hair down.
"53 and main please."
"Mam?"
"Yes?"
"Would you like another cocoa? Not that it is any of my business, but you come in here every day, order hot cocoa and nothing else, would you like something to eat? You seem very distracted and extremely overworked, might I suggest taking just a moment for yourself and try our chicken cordon bleu? I think it might really give you the edge you seem to be looking for?"
Who is this guy? And why is he so concerned with my hot chocolate intake habits? So what if I come here every day and drink only hot chocolate? What's it to ya? They are my calories, I will spend them how I like. And besides, I tip you very well for each of those hot chocolates, thank you very much.... Sir. Can you hear yourself, get a grip.
"I appreciate very much your interest in the matter, I am actually on my way out today though, just the check would be fine, thank you....Ranaldo."
"As you wish, Madame."
I really do need to start sleeping again, I'm starting to get snippity with people.
"There you are. You're sure there isn't anything else I can do for you today?"
"Not today, Ranaldo. But as always, thank you. I will see you tomorrow."
"But of course. Enjoy your day."
"You as well."
Since when did Ranaldo start talking to customers? He used to be so quiet and reserved. I wonder what changed.
"Hello? Yes, this is she. No, I did not order chrysanthemums, I ordered lilies. No. Yes. White. Pink. Fine, just get it done. Thank you."
My tooth is acting up again; I really need to find time to get into that dentist. I didn't really like him last time though. I think he messed up my teeth alignment. Plus, he left me in that room alone for at least twenty minutes. I nearly feel asleep by the time he finally came back to finish up. Not nearly, I did fall asleep. Who does that to a patient? I don't want to have to find another one though. Who does that?? Breath. Let it go. It doesn't really matter.
"Mom? What is it? Is everything okay? No, I haven't heard from her. I told you, we had a falling out last month and we haven't spoken to each other since. Fine, I will give her a call at the end of the week and check up on her. Yes, I know. Just because I should be the bigger person doesn't mean I am going to be. I will call her. Stop hounding me. Thank you. It was good talking to you, too. Uh huh. Bye."
How do mothers seem to know everything going on in everyone'e live anyways? Shelly and I haven't spoken or communicated in any form for over a month and I certainly am not going to be the one to break the trend. It's not my fault we're in the mess. Whatever, it's not worth my time to think about anyway. Good thing I started Yoga again this fall, otherwise my stress level would be through the roof. As is, I could probably use a little more; maybe I'll pick up another session or two. I wouldn't mind seeing Hannah more often anyway.
"Any messages while I was out, Sandy? I talked to her on my way over. Yes, I know she thinks I should call Shelly, thank you. Oh really, get them on the line, I will take it in my office. Thank you!"
"Yes, thank you for taking my call. I apologize for not being out of the office earlier. Yes, I do have those numbers for you. Are you sure you wanted to stick with that color scheme? I was thinking we might want to look into more of a summer pallet, but I am open to other options as well. Yes, that sounds great. Thank you for you time. I am looking forward to it. Yes. Chao."
"Sandy, will you confirm my dinner reservations for this Saturday night? I need everything to be perfect. Robert and I haven't had a weekend to ourselves in quite some time and I really want to make the most of it. Oh and would mind seeing if the ballet is still running? Othello I think. Thank you."
Okay, almost all done here. Just a few more... done! Man, I might be worried if I wasn't so gosh darn good at what I do! I am fabulous! Now, time for one more finishing touch and I'm outta here! That's a wrap - going home time.
"Sandy, will you call me a cab please? Then you're free to leave. Thank you."
Someday I am going to figure out the bus system, I swear. Or not. I really do love taxis. Meh.
I wonder if Robert will be happy with our weekend holiday in the city. He's seemed so uptight these days, I just want to help him relax a little. And I think we could both use some time to let our hair down.
"53 and main please."
Monday, September 5, 2011
My Hat
What does it mean to be extraordinary?
We all have people in our lives who we think are extraordinary.
And we would give anything to be like them.
Ask them and they would say they were average at best, maybe even below that.
Is that what makes them so much more than average?
Their complete and utter inability to see how extremely unaverage they really are?
Or is it the way they just keep caring, even when you don't deserve it?
Or how they always seem to show just how much they care about you when you least expect it and need it the most?
They dazzle the world by their mere existence within it.
And if you have the privilege of knowing them, you are better for it.
Because they teach you how to smile even when things are falling apart.
And they ask you what's inside the tweety lunchbox not because they care, but because they know that for some bizarre reason, it's important to you.
They listen to your problems and offer a shoulder when the tears start to fall, even when they know that there is no way for them to fix it.
But above all else, these extraordinary people in our lives, they love us - despite weakness, regardless of flaws. They see us not for who we are, but rather for who we can be.
And they inspire us to be... extraordinary.
I am grateful for the extraordinary people in my life, who make me want to be the beauty I see in them.
You have shaped my life and are molding my future.
I tip my hat to you.
Thank you.
Goodnight, dear void.
We all have people in our lives who we think are extraordinary.
And we would give anything to be like them.
Ask them and they would say they were average at best, maybe even below that.
Is that what makes them so much more than average?
Their complete and utter inability to see how extremely unaverage they really are?
Or is it the way they just keep caring, even when you don't deserve it?
Or how they always seem to show just how much they care about you when you least expect it and need it the most?
They dazzle the world by their mere existence within it.
And if you have the privilege of knowing them, you are better for it.
Because they teach you how to smile even when things are falling apart.
And they ask you what's inside the tweety lunchbox not because they care, but because they know that for some bizarre reason, it's important to you.
They listen to your problems and offer a shoulder when the tears start to fall, even when they know that there is no way for them to fix it.
But above all else, these extraordinary people in our lives, they love us - despite weakness, regardless of flaws. They see us not for who we are, but rather for who we can be.
And they inspire us to be... extraordinary.
I am grateful for the extraordinary people in my life, who make me want to be the beauty I see in them.
You have shaped my life and are molding my future.
I tip my hat to you.
Thank you.
Goodnight, dear void.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
If you scream at the Universe, will it respond?
He wrapped his arms around Kelly, looking out over the lake that stretched for miles in front of them.
"You scared me. How long have you been standing there? What are you doing here anyway? I thought you hated coming out here."
"I thought it was time."
The sun was rising in beautiful oranges and pinks. They stood and watched the sun fill the lake with beauty and wonder. It must have been an hour at least before he broke the silence, "You okay? How do you feel about pancakes for breakfast? And maybe a fruit smoothie? I know you're trying to keep things healthy. Kell?" He turned her around in his arms so he could see her tear streaked face. Wrapping his arms ever tighter around her, he whispered, "It's going to be okay. I promise. We will find a way to make this better. We will make it through this. We will." As he held her, he felt her body relax into his; he could feel her tears seep through his button-up shirt, and he let a tear streak down his face as well.
How? How were they ever going to put this behind them. You were supposed to bear children, not bury them. How were things ever supposed to go back to normal? What was normal anymore? Jackie and Noah had been staying with their grandparents this past month but they were scheduled to come home next week. And then what? He would have to go back to the office, but how could he? Kelly would have too much time on her hands with both the kids in school and no Spencer to keep her busy and running non-stop.
Spencer. He felt the lump rise in his throat; how was it possible to still have any tears left?
The funeral had been three weeks ago - where had all that time gone? He and Kelly had spent most of those days and nights in silence, each dealing with the grief as best as they could. Why had this happened to them? He knew he shouldn't ask such a question because the universe was willingly questioned but seldom as willing to deign anyone with a response. Yet, he could not help wondering it nonetheless and at times he couldn't stop himself from screaming it at the top of his lungs, "HEY YOU, UP THERE, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE DONE? I'M SORRY! I AM SO SORRY!!!"
He never got the Universe to respond directly, but slowly he began to see that maybe this was just the way the universe was run, maybe it really had very little to do with his past and so much more to do with his future.
"You scared me. How long have you been standing there? What are you doing here anyway? I thought you hated coming out here."
"I thought it was time."
The sun was rising in beautiful oranges and pinks. They stood and watched the sun fill the lake with beauty and wonder. It must have been an hour at least before he broke the silence, "You okay? How do you feel about pancakes for breakfast? And maybe a fruit smoothie? I know you're trying to keep things healthy. Kell?" He turned her around in his arms so he could see her tear streaked face. Wrapping his arms ever tighter around her, he whispered, "It's going to be okay. I promise. We will find a way to make this better. We will make it through this. We will." As he held her, he felt her body relax into his; he could feel her tears seep through his button-up shirt, and he let a tear streak down his face as well.
How? How were they ever going to put this behind them. You were supposed to bear children, not bury them. How were things ever supposed to go back to normal? What was normal anymore? Jackie and Noah had been staying with their grandparents this past month but they were scheduled to come home next week. And then what? He would have to go back to the office, but how could he? Kelly would have too much time on her hands with both the kids in school and no Spencer to keep her busy and running non-stop.
Spencer. He felt the lump rise in his throat; how was it possible to still have any tears left?
The funeral had been three weeks ago - where had all that time gone? He and Kelly had spent most of those days and nights in silence, each dealing with the grief as best as they could. Why had this happened to them? He knew he shouldn't ask such a question because the universe was willingly questioned but seldom as willing to deign anyone with a response. Yet, he could not help wondering it nonetheless and at times he couldn't stop himself from screaming it at the top of his lungs, "HEY YOU, UP THERE, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE DONE? I'M SORRY! I AM SO SORRY!!!"
He never got the Universe to respond directly, but slowly he began to see that maybe this was just the way the universe was run, maybe it really had very little to do with his past and so much more to do with his future.
An Exhausting Exhileration
What was it about those mountains that made her want to set out for the horizon and just keep going until she found whatever it was that she was looking for? In a way the mountains represented all the potential she could feel within herself. She knew she was better than this. She could feel it in every fiber of her being; this girl, that was not who she really was. This girl was who she settled for being from day to day because she didn't know just how to tap into her internal potential and change for real. She'd tried to change before, of course, but it had never stuck, not really. And she could feel the real her under her skin, underneath all of that other stuff that always held her back. The real her was beyond those mountains somewhere where only the sunrise would know her name. She woke up every morning feeling like a stranger in that skin. Until the morning she decided it was time to stop looking at the mountains, it was time to become one. And she changed. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen over night, but every day she worked endlessly to become the girl she knew she really was; the one who didn't have to hide behind that same old frame and shape, but the one who was free to do anything and to be anything she wanted to do and be. It made every day an exhausting exhilaration; becoming is harder than it looks.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
My Playground
I watched A League of Their Own tonight, as in I caught the last part of it on AMC.
It made me miss my sisters. And then my Grandma.
We used to watch that movie as sisters every time we stayed at Grandma and Grandpa's on vacation.
In a frenzy to find Sister Perkins' Portugal address I ran across the card Grandma sent me for my birthday this year.
I got the card in the mail a good week or so before my birthday. I'd opened all my other cards and presents as soon as I'd received them - living alone renders almost all holidays (even birthdays)almost meaningless in terms of the specific day they are celebrated - but for some reason I'd felt that I really should wait and open the Grandparent's card on my actual birthday so it was fresh when they called to sing Happy Birthday to me. There were several times I almost opened it, but kept waiting instead.
I'd spent the night at Mari's place so as not to wake up alone on my 21st birthday - that just seemed sad and wrong for such a wonderous day in a girl's life.
I'd left my phone upstairs because I thought it was going to die, so I didn't get their calls.
Finally Kaylee called Mari's phone to see if she could reach me through her. She said 'happy birthday' and said that Mom and Dad had been trying to reach me all morning. They would likely be calling shortly now that they knew how to get ahold of me.
Mom called. She wished me happy birthday. Then told me that Grandpa had not been able to wake Grandma that morning and that she had likely passed away sometime during the night. She was crying. I hardly knew how to process it all.
Ryan called next, telling me that he had Cami already and he was coming to get me so we could all go somewhere to eat and be together.
Ryan paid for us.
We decided to have dinner together that night, for my birthday, and in honor of Grandma.
Driving home that day from Mari's all I could think about was that unopened birthday card - the last thing I would ever receive from my Grandmother in this life.
It was so hard to open it, let alone to read it.
Outside: Could a granddaughter be any sweeter, cuter, or nicer?
Inside: Not a chance!
Happy Birthday
And then in her own hand: Stay happy and wonderful! We love you and are so happy you are close. Keep that sparkle in your eyes and the smile on your lips!
Love, Grandma and Grandpa Bishop
I remember so many times that day just breaking down and sobbing. Often sliding to the floor wherever I was.
I am grateful to this day that I'd left that card unopened so I could have one last special memory with my Grandma on my birthday.
I still miss her everyday and can't help looking for her sometimes when I go to visit Grandpa.
I still kick myself for not calling to say thank you sooner.
And because my plan for my birthday, was to see her.
I love you, Grandma. You are everything I hope to one day be. Thank you for all the birthday cards, calls, and money. I'm sorry I probably never said it enough, but they meant the world to me. Thank you for all the creamies and orange soda, for all the games you played, and the hugs you gave. You were a one of a kind woman. Thank you for always taking the time to show me you loved me. One of my most treasured memories was when you and Grandpa insisted on taking me to dinner when I came up to see you nearly a year ago now. It was such a special time for just the three of us to be together, and it will stay in my heart forever. Most of all, thank you for raising my mother. She is so like you. You taught her how to laugh and how to love; she will carry your legacy with her for all time.
I can't wait to see you on the other side. Save me a seat.
Your granddaughter,
Abby
Goodnight, dear void.
This used to be my playground.
This used to be my childhood dream.
This used to be the place I ran to
whenever I was in need
of a friend
It made me miss my sisters. And then my Grandma.
We used to watch that movie as sisters every time we stayed at Grandma and Grandpa's on vacation.
In a frenzy to find Sister Perkins' Portugal address I ran across the card Grandma sent me for my birthday this year.
I got the card in the mail a good week or so before my birthday. I'd opened all my other cards and presents as soon as I'd received them - living alone renders almost all holidays (even birthdays)almost meaningless in terms of the specific day they are celebrated - but for some reason I'd felt that I really should wait and open the Grandparent's card on my actual birthday so it was fresh when they called to sing Happy Birthday to me. There were several times I almost opened it, but kept waiting instead.
I'd spent the night at Mari's place so as not to wake up alone on my 21st birthday - that just seemed sad and wrong for such a wonderous day in a girl's life.
I'd left my phone upstairs because I thought it was going to die, so I didn't get their calls.
Finally Kaylee called Mari's phone to see if she could reach me through her. She said 'happy birthday' and said that Mom and Dad had been trying to reach me all morning. They would likely be calling shortly now that they knew how to get ahold of me.
Mom called. She wished me happy birthday. Then told me that Grandpa had not been able to wake Grandma that morning and that she had likely passed away sometime during the night. She was crying. I hardly knew how to process it all.
Ryan called next, telling me that he had Cami already and he was coming to get me so we could all go somewhere to eat and be together.
Ryan paid for us.
We decided to have dinner together that night, for my birthday, and in honor of Grandma.
Driving home that day from Mari's all I could think about was that unopened birthday card - the last thing I would ever receive from my Grandmother in this life.
It was so hard to open it, let alone to read it.
Outside: Could a granddaughter be any sweeter, cuter, or nicer?
Inside: Not a chance!
Happy Birthday
And then in her own hand: Stay happy and wonderful! We love you and are so happy you are close. Keep that sparkle in your eyes and the smile on your lips!
Love, Grandma and Grandpa Bishop
I remember so many times that day just breaking down and sobbing. Often sliding to the floor wherever I was.
I am grateful to this day that I'd left that card unopened so I could have one last special memory with my Grandma on my birthday.
I still miss her everyday and can't help looking for her sometimes when I go to visit Grandpa.
I still kick myself for not calling to say thank you sooner.
And because my plan for my birthday, was to see her.
I love you, Grandma. You are everything I hope to one day be. Thank you for all the birthday cards, calls, and money. I'm sorry I probably never said it enough, but they meant the world to me. Thank you for all the creamies and orange soda, for all the games you played, and the hugs you gave. You were a one of a kind woman. Thank you for always taking the time to show me you loved me. One of my most treasured memories was when you and Grandpa insisted on taking me to dinner when I came up to see you nearly a year ago now. It was such a special time for just the three of us to be together, and it will stay in my heart forever. Most of all, thank you for raising my mother. She is so like you. You taught her how to laugh and how to love; she will carry your legacy with her for all time.
I can't wait to see you on the other side. Save me a seat.
Your granddaughter,
Abby
Goodnight, dear void.
This used to be my playground.
This used to be my childhood dream.
This used to be the place I ran to
whenever I was in need
of a friend
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Once Upon a Library
I got a library card today.
I walked in with a proof of address and my ID, filled out an application, and picked out a card design,
- a green dinosaur running next to a volcano in the desert while grinning and reading a red book - and then it was done.
And somehow, the world seems a brighter place indeed.
As I walked in I had a rush of memories from the libraries of my past.
I remember being very little and reading in a cage(...?) in the library in St. Charles. I loved the picture books I would discover there.
I grew a little older and we moved to Cortland where the small Community Library was a safe haven of adventure and wonder. I would go there after school to hang out with my friends
and chat with them on AOL even though they were right next to me. Ya, we were cool.
Even bigger and cooler was the Dekalb Public Library where we would enroll in summer reading programs to get all sorts of cool prizes. It was so huge. I only ever used the bottom floor... I can't even imagine what else they have to offer there that is not filled with pictures or the Bailey School Kids' adventures!
I'm so excited to make new library memories. As far as I know, there is not cage in this new library, but I suppose it wouldn't really be socially acceptable for me and my 21 year old self to crawl into a reading cage anyway, so maybe it's going to be okay.
Goodnight, dear void.
I walked in with a proof of address and my ID, filled out an application, and picked out a card design,
- a green dinosaur running next to a volcano in the desert while grinning and reading a red book - and then it was done.
And somehow, the world seems a brighter place indeed.
As I walked in I had a rush of memories from the libraries of my past.
and chat with them on AOL even though they were right next to me. Ya, we were cool.
I'm so excited to make new library memories. As far as I know, there is not cage in this new library, but I suppose it wouldn't really be socially acceptable for me and my 21 year old self to crawl into a reading cage anyway, so maybe it's going to be okay.
Goodnight, dear void.
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