Something

Today is my day off.

I rolled out of bed... late. Ugh. Grabbed my preppy sweat pants (because I couldn't find my ghetto sweat pants) and a jacket and drove to school.... late. I finally got to Brit Lit (Yes, late. Stop judging me!) where we had a lovely discussion about the Victorian Era; the literature, the politics, the roles of women and men, the technology, evolution. After class, I walked to the shuttle bus stop with my friend, Amber (or is it Amanda. I'm never quite certain. I just avoid saying her name and call it good.). It was a beautiful, chilly, sunny morning. I love when its just cold enough for a sweater. I love the way your nose gets chilled first and you know its autumn and soon the snow will be falling again.

It's been a year. A whole year. A year of school, a year of my roommates, a year of the corner house, a year of knowing people, a year of work. Yesterday, one of my very favorite guests came into work. (I work at Jo Ann Fabrics and Crafts) I was scheduled at the cut counter which doesn't happen very often. As I was cutting for this guest and we were chatting about the most recent project she was working on (a wedding dress she designed from her customer's sketch of what she wanted), and I realized that it was almost exactly a year ago, at that very cut counter, that I met her. A year. Tomorrow when I wake up, it will be two.

Do you ever feel like you can't really talk to the people around you about what's really going on inside of you? Not because you don't want to or because they speak a different language or something... but because there just aren't the right words to be able to explain in a way in which they would be able to understand. Because it's so real and so personal and so close to you that no one else could possibly really understand at all. Because they're not you. They haven't been where you've been and though they partly understand, its just not the same.

I'm happy. To say more would be to attempt to breach the above mentioned phenomenon.

Why is it though, that as I was sitting today thinking about life that I began to wonder if in my being happy I've made others unhappy? Have I been so self-involved and so inwardly focused that I've stopped taking other people into consideration? How do you find a balance between what you need to do to be happy and what you need to do in order to help others not be unhappy? Have I alienated people I care about without realizing it? Have I made them feel small or insignificant? How do you even go about finding that balance and repairing the relationships you may have damaged along the way?

Goodnight, dear void.