I feel like I write about that same things over and over again here - either 'I'm so awesome', or 'I'm so lucky'...
Both are true.
Goodnight, dear void.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Those who love deeply are the lucky ones
I have been lucky in my life to have loved, and loved deeply.
I dropped my baby sister off at her university dorm today. And as I was helping her unpack her clothes, and watching her straighten her hair before going out on adventures with her new found friends, it hit me that my first year of school was a long time ago. My adventures with those friends surrounding the corner house are long since over and done with. We've all grown up and moved on to different phases of our lives completely independent of one another.
While that can be sad at times to realize, it is a miracle that I ever had them in my life to begin with, and that is lucky.
When I was a senior in high school I started writing a novel centering on Peter Pan. I was completely fixated on Never Neverland, and the idea that there was a place where one did not have to grow up - where things did not have to change. I watched the movie (2003) over and over and changed my computer password at school to reflect my new obsessive line of thought. I didn't want to leave that time and place (2008 in Hong Kong). Somewhere deep down inside of me, I knew that once I left, nothing would ever be the same.
I left, and I was right on the mark - it all changed.
And I could never go back.
Now I smile at what was just around the corner ("The entrance to our store is around the corner. There's no other way of saying that. It's not the name of our store. It's where it is. And you do not own the phrase 'around the corner.'") for me.
The people I loved in Hong Kong are people I will take with me for the rest of my life, maybe more. But, it didn't end there. I was so lucky, to have more people to love because I grew up - because I didn't escape to a world without change.
People come and go in our lives. Often it's hard to keep a hold on even one or two of them. If you are lucky, the ones you want to keep, want to keep you back, and a life-long friendship is forged that surpasses all distance, circumstance, and time restrictions.
Life is a bumpy journey, so don't forget to look around at who's on the ride with you; they just may end up making a Never Neverland in your heart where you can escape any time a certain song comes on the radio, or a distinct smell wafts your way. And those memories end up directing you to the second star on the right and keep you going on 'til morning.
I know I've said this before, but change is a beautiful and important part of life. Without it, life would not be as fragile, or as uniquely special from one moment to the next; it would become a film on Netflix instead of a one time showing of Les Miserables on a professional stage. One can be viewed anytime and the experience is cheap and replaceable - the other is once in a life time, invaluable and fleeting making it something you have to hold on to.
While I admit that Never Neverland will always carry some appeal, the reality of growing up allows so much more love than I ever imagined.
Goodnight, dear void.
I dropped my baby sister off at her university dorm today. And as I was helping her unpack her clothes, and watching her straighten her hair before going out on adventures with her new found friends, it hit me that my first year of school was a long time ago. My adventures with those friends surrounding the corner house are long since over and done with. We've all grown up and moved on to different phases of our lives completely independent of one another.
While that can be sad at times to realize, it is a miracle that I ever had them in my life to begin with, and that is lucky.
When I was a senior in high school I started writing a novel centering on Peter Pan. I was completely fixated on Never Neverland, and the idea that there was a place where one did not have to grow up - where things did not have to change. I watched the movie (2003) over and over and changed my computer password at school to reflect my new obsessive line of thought. I didn't want to leave that time and place (2008 in Hong Kong). Somewhere deep down inside of me, I knew that once I left, nothing would ever be the same.
I left, and I was right on the mark - it all changed.
And I could never go back.
Now I smile at what was just around the corner ("The entrance to our store is around the corner. There's no other way of saying that. It's not the name of our store. It's where it is. And you do not own the phrase 'around the corner.'") for me.
The people I loved in Hong Kong are people I will take with me for the rest of my life, maybe more. But, it didn't end there. I was so lucky, to have more people to love because I grew up - because I didn't escape to a world without change.
People come and go in our lives. Often it's hard to keep a hold on even one or two of them. If you are lucky, the ones you want to keep, want to keep you back, and a life-long friendship is forged that surpasses all distance, circumstance, and time restrictions.
Life is a bumpy journey, so don't forget to look around at who's on the ride with you; they just may end up making a Never Neverland in your heart where you can escape any time a certain song comes on the radio, or a distinct smell wafts your way. And those memories end up directing you to the second star on the right and keep you going on 'til morning.
I know I've said this before, but change is a beautiful and important part of life. Without it, life would not be as fragile, or as uniquely special from one moment to the next; it would become a film on Netflix instead of a one time showing of Les Miserables on a professional stage. One can be viewed anytime and the experience is cheap and replaceable - the other is once in a life time, invaluable and fleeting making it something you have to hold on to.
While I admit that Never Neverland will always carry some appeal, the reality of growing up allows so much more love than I ever imagined.
Goodnight, dear void.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Do you know you're awesome?
When I type, the sound of the keys clicking on my keyboard take me back to my fifth grade self when I was just leaning to find the home keys and to teach my fingers to reach for the letters beyond them to form words, sentences, and paragraphs. I remember thinking my fingers would never find their way on their own; I would always have to consciously locate the keys I searched for. And then one day, without me even really realizing it, my fingers didn't need any help from me to take individual letters on a keyboard and form them into a coherent form of communication.
My senior year of high school, my best friend told me that her mom typed up all of her dad's papers in college and that he still used two fingers to type on a keyboard. I remember being baffled at the idea of your fingers not knowing how to navigate these little boxed letters.
It's funny how easily we forget where we've come from, and just how far the coming has taken us. It's so easy to look at who we are right now and be disappointed with the girl in the mirror. And yet, 12 years ago I was still looking at the keyboard to type, and typing so slowly that it was not beneficial in the slightest to type something as opposed to just writing it down. If my typing has improved significantly over time, would it not be obvious to believe that other aspects of who I am have come that far as well - maybe even farther.
I am so content with who I am. I have so many things that I am working on every day, so many areas of my life that are so far from nearing perfection. I'm happy though. And happiness at some point trumps all the little things in life that need a little tweaking (or a lot...). I have come a long way from where I used to be.
My little sister pointed out the other day that anyone who knows me knows that I know that I am awesome. I thought about it, and she's right. I say that I am awesome almost every single day of my life. It is the reason for every good thing and every stupid thing that I do. I am awesome - fundamentally, at the core; I am awesome.
Knowing that I am awesome and thinking about how everyone else tends to know that I know that piece of information makes me wonder how many other people in the world truly know that they are awesome. Does it change them? I am awesome, and it changes me. When I'm feeling discouraged or disheartened, at some point I seriously stop myself and think, "but I am awesome." Are there other people in the world who do the same thing?
I would venture that even if there are a few of those people in this world aside from me, there could stand to be a few more. So when you're done reading this post, pause your life for a moment and think of at least ten legitimate reason why you are awesome - fundamentally, at the core - because I bet you are...
Goodnight, dear void.
My senior year of high school, my best friend told me that her mom typed up all of her dad's papers in college and that he still used two fingers to type on a keyboard. I remember being baffled at the idea of your fingers not knowing how to navigate these little boxed letters.
It's funny how easily we forget where we've come from, and just how far the coming has taken us. It's so easy to look at who we are right now and be disappointed with the girl in the mirror. And yet, 12 years ago I was still looking at the keyboard to type, and typing so slowly that it was not beneficial in the slightest to type something as opposed to just writing it down. If my typing has improved significantly over time, would it not be obvious to believe that other aspects of who I am have come that far as well - maybe even farther.
I am so content with who I am. I have so many things that I am working on every day, so many areas of my life that are so far from nearing perfection. I'm happy though. And happiness at some point trumps all the little things in life that need a little tweaking (or a lot...). I have come a long way from where I used to be.
My little sister pointed out the other day that anyone who knows me knows that I know that I am awesome. I thought about it, and she's right. I say that I am awesome almost every single day of my life. It is the reason for every good thing and every stupid thing that I do. I am awesome - fundamentally, at the core; I am awesome.
Knowing that I am awesome and thinking about how everyone else tends to know that I know that piece of information makes me wonder how many other people in the world truly know that they are awesome. Does it change them? I am awesome, and it changes me. When I'm feeling discouraged or disheartened, at some point I seriously stop myself and think, "but I am awesome." Are there other people in the world who do the same thing?
I would venture that even if there are a few of those people in this world aside from me, there could stand to be a few more. So when you're done reading this post, pause your life for a moment and think of at least ten legitimate reason why you are awesome - fundamentally, at the core - because I bet you are...
Goodnight, dear void.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Song of the Wanderer
Across the gently rolling hills,
Beyond high mountain peaks,
Along the shores of distant seas,
There's something my heart seeks.
But there's no peace in wandering,
The road's not made for rest.
And footsore fools will never know
What home might suit them best.
But, oh, the things I have seen,
The secret paths I've trod,
The hidden corners of the world
Known to none but me and God.
Yes, the world was meant for knowing,
And feet were meant to roam,
But one who's always going
Will never find a home.
Oh, where's the thread that binds me,
The voice that calls me back?
Where's the love that finds me-
And what's the root I lack?
My heart seeks the hearth,
My feet seek the road.
A soul so divided
Is a terrible load.
My heart longs to rest,
My feet yearn to roam.
Shall I wander the world
Or stay safe at home?
-Bruce Coville
Across the gently rolling hills,
Beyond high mountain peaks,
Along the shores of distant seas,
There's something my heart seeks.
But there's no peace in wandering,
The road's not made for rest.
And footsore fools will never know
What home might suit them best.
But, oh, the things I have seen,
The secret paths I've trod,
The hidden corners of the world
Known to none but me and God.
Yes, the world was meant for knowing,
And feet were meant to roam,
But one who's always going
Will never find a home.
Oh, where's the thread that binds me,
The voice that calls me back?
Where's the love that finds me-
And what's the root I lack?
My heart seeks the hearth,
My feet seek the road.
A soul so divided
Is a terrible load.
My heart longs to rest,
My feet yearn to roam.
Shall I wander the world
Or stay safe at home?
-Bruce Coville
Friday, May 18, 2012
Boxes in my heart
All of April is gone.
It's hard to believe that as I sit here typing, half of May is gone too.
My life is on the move again. This morning I realized that subconsciously I have been boycotting all the movement to some extent. My family is moving home from Hong Kong into a new house. Which means I am packing up the condo they have been using as a summer home (and I have been using as a home home)for the last two years and filling the garage with boxes.
To this end, I've been holed up in my house claiming to be packing since the semester got out. I've been sorting through things and going through piles of papers that I meant to go through a long time ago. It's been a process.
And yet, in a flash of deep understanding this morning I realized that I didn't have any boxes.
You can't be moving - or even packing for that matter - if you don't have any boxes.
Turns out... I don't want to move.
I understand why I am moving, but that still doesn't make me want it anymore than I would if I didn't have good reason for doing it. I know I should be excited about the development and growth that will surely come in this new chapter of my life, but I guess I just can't shake the feeling that I just barely put down roots here. I just got attached to people in my life, and moving means I have to give them up.
The letting-go part of change is the part I struggle with. I want the new people and places that change will bring, but I don't want to have to let go of the people and places I already have and already love. It's a constant battle I fight every time I pick up and move.
Strangely enough, while I struggle with this aspect of life's journey, I also find it to be one of the most beautiful and rewarding parts of that journey. Change is the nature of the life we live. It will always happen. Every day we are moving closer and closer to a change that will alter the very fabric of our existence- every day closer to a crossroads where we will chose to explore a new, and up to this point unknown, path that will lead us to more unexplored regions of our potential universe. We cannot possibly know where our lives will end up, because most of the paths we will chose in the future are hidden from the view of our current selves.
It is this unknown side of life that gives living every day to its fullest its importance. If we could have any given day back to do over again or to relive, it would cheapen the experience and make the memory worthless, because we could have it again anytime. We can't have yesterday back; all we can have are the memories of the days already gone be. We have to live today filled to the brim with adventure and love, because we can never get today back.
So, tonight I will finally get some boxes and finally really start moving. Am I sad to be leaving this place and this set of people who have shaped and molded me? Of course. I have loved my time here. I have become a whole new and improved version of myself - Abby 22.0 if you will - and that cannot be forgotten. But, I don't plan on forgetting it, or forgetting anyone from this place.
They have become a part of me as I hope I have become a part of them too. Every person you meet leaves something with you; you carry them in your daily living - recognized or not. We all leave impressions on one another, and those impressions give way to decisions we make about the person we are and the person we will become. We never truly leave anyone, or any place, behind us. We pack the memories of them up in boxes and store them in our hearts and minds until the information they carry in them becomes useful or something reminds us of them. Then we open the boxes and take out the memories.
And we are changed, again.
Goodnight, dear void.
It's hard to believe that as I sit here typing, half of May is gone too.
My life is on the move again. This morning I realized that subconsciously I have been boycotting all the movement to some extent. My family is moving home from Hong Kong into a new house. Which means I am packing up the condo they have been using as a summer home (and I have been using as a home home)for the last two years and filling the garage with boxes.
To this end, I've been holed up in my house claiming to be packing since the semester got out. I've been sorting through things and going through piles of papers that I meant to go through a long time ago. It's been a process.
And yet, in a flash of deep understanding this morning I realized that I didn't have any boxes.
You can't be moving - or even packing for that matter - if you don't have any boxes.
Turns out... I don't want to move.
I understand why I am moving, but that still doesn't make me want it anymore than I would if I didn't have good reason for doing it. I know I should be excited about the development and growth that will surely come in this new chapter of my life, but I guess I just can't shake the feeling that I just barely put down roots here. I just got attached to people in my life, and moving means I have to give them up.
The letting-go part of change is the part I struggle with. I want the new people and places that change will bring, but I don't want to have to let go of the people and places I already have and already love. It's a constant battle I fight every time I pick up and move.
Strangely enough, while I struggle with this aspect of life's journey, I also find it to be one of the most beautiful and rewarding parts of that journey. Change is the nature of the life we live. It will always happen. Every day we are moving closer and closer to a change that will alter the very fabric of our existence- every day closer to a crossroads where we will chose to explore a new, and up to this point unknown, path that will lead us to more unexplored regions of our potential universe. We cannot possibly know where our lives will end up, because most of the paths we will chose in the future are hidden from the view of our current selves.
It is this unknown side of life that gives living every day to its fullest its importance. If we could have any given day back to do over again or to relive, it would cheapen the experience and make the memory worthless, because we could have it again anytime. We can't have yesterday back; all we can have are the memories of the days already gone be. We have to live today filled to the brim with adventure and love, because we can never get today back.
So, tonight I will finally get some boxes and finally really start moving. Am I sad to be leaving this place and this set of people who have shaped and molded me? Of course. I have loved my time here. I have become a whole new and improved version of myself - Abby 22.0 if you will - and that cannot be forgotten. But, I don't plan on forgetting it, or forgetting anyone from this place.
They have become a part of me as I hope I have become a part of them too. Every person you meet leaves something with you; you carry them in your daily living - recognized or not. We all leave impressions on one another, and those impressions give way to decisions we make about the person we are and the person we will become. We never truly leave anyone, or any place, behind us. We pack the memories of them up in boxes and store them in our hearts and minds until the information they carry in them becomes useful or something reminds us of them. Then we open the boxes and take out the memories.
And we are changed, again.
Goodnight, dear void.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Keylen
Stop running. Slow down. Breathe. Breathe. Don't turn around. No looking back. Keep walking.
A twig snaps and she whirls herself around, unwillingly admitting that she isn't quite alone as she'd hoped. Then again she knew she'd never truly been alone. Now there was unmistakable evidence to that fact.
"Hello?"
"Hello."
"Who are you? Do you know who I am? Why are you following me?" Stay calm. Keep your voice even.
"My name is Keylen, and yes, I know who you are. I will not speak your name here, for I know you have traveled far and wide to erase it from their memories." She motioned to the trees around us, fully understanding their power as I did. "I am not here to harm you, or to force you to travel a path you do not choose yourself. I am merely here to serve as a protection, should you need one. Though you have demonstrated time and again that protection is an area in which you rarely require aid. Nevertheless, I have come to offer myself to you. If not for protection or guidance, than for companionship. I know you can do this on your own, I am simply letting you know that you do not have to do this thing all alone. There are others on your side who are here, ready and willing, to do whatever you may need us to do. Please, stop running from me; let me walk and run with you. Please."
Her accent was thick, her message sincere.
"Come, Keylen. Let us go."
A twig snaps and she whirls herself around, unwillingly admitting that she isn't quite alone as she'd hoped. Then again she knew she'd never truly been alone. Now there was unmistakable evidence to that fact.
"Hello?"
"Hello."
"Who are you? Do you know who I am? Why are you following me?" Stay calm. Keep your voice even.
"My name is Keylen, and yes, I know who you are. I will not speak your name here, for I know you have traveled far and wide to erase it from their memories." She motioned to the trees around us, fully understanding their power as I did. "I am not here to harm you, or to force you to travel a path you do not choose yourself. I am merely here to serve as a protection, should you need one. Though you have demonstrated time and again that protection is an area in which you rarely require aid. Nevertheless, I have come to offer myself to you. If not for protection or guidance, than for companionship. I know you can do this on your own, I am simply letting you know that you do not have to do this thing all alone. There are others on your side who are here, ready and willing, to do whatever you may need us to do. Please, stop running from me; let me walk and run with you. Please."
Her accent was thick, her message sincere.
"Come, Keylen. Let us go."
Friday, March 16, 2012
Waiting Walking
Sometimes I feel like my life is a giant game of waiting. I try to keep moving forward in various aspects of my life, and I've certainly come a long way. And yet... I am still waiting.
At some point it becomes hard to imagine a life without waiting. Is there such a life? Really? We all seem to be waiting for one thing or another.
And while there seems to be so much waiting occuring in my life, there has also been so much change and growth and development.
Life hasn't turned out at all like I thought it would, and it has turned out even less like what I'd planned.
I am nowhere I thought I would be 5 years ago, and I've been a million places I'd never dreamed of going in the same span of time.
Someone once said that life just has a way of working out; I really believe that. My life over the last 5 years has, on occassion, appeared - and even felt - like a massive mess, but it has somehow worked out. Those million places I've ended up have changed my life and shaped my soul.
I recently was writing 'My Story' for a history class. As I was thinking about events to add, I found that I was adding the events that really have made me who I am - inside and out. There are definitive moments over the course of my life that acted as crossroads for the person I was becoming. Looking back it became clear that it would have been so easy to stay on the same course I was originally headed on, but events in my life caused me to change course, and it is those unplanned, unexpected changes in the road ahead that have truly made my life what it is - made me who I am.
Perhaps then, life feels like a giant waiting game because there are only so many things we can plan and execute fully. Perhaps the life we are meant to have is the life that we cannot plan for and encompasses all the things we've never dreamed of for our own lives.
I should have listened to John Lennon - "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans".
Amen, John.
I've been more than busy making my other plans.
Despite them, this morning I feel myself approaching yet another crossroads in my life... Are we not all approaching a crossroads - in the near or distant future?
And so, we wait.
But we do not wait idly or in vain.
So perhaps we need to change the verb in the sentence of our lives. Let's walk instead of wait.
And so, we walk, ever living and planning until that crossroads appears and our lives - and souls most likely - are changed and our courses altered.
Let's walk towards the fulfillment of the dreams we've yet to dream.
Goodnight, dear void.
At some point it becomes hard to imagine a life without waiting. Is there such a life? Really? We all seem to be waiting for one thing or another.
And while there seems to be so much waiting occuring in my life, there has also been so much change and growth and development.
Life hasn't turned out at all like I thought it would, and it has turned out even less like what I'd planned.
I am nowhere I thought I would be 5 years ago, and I've been a million places I'd never dreamed of going in the same span of time.
Someone once said that life just has a way of working out; I really believe that. My life over the last 5 years has, on occassion, appeared - and even felt - like a massive mess, but it has somehow worked out. Those million places I've ended up have changed my life and shaped my soul.
I recently was writing 'My Story' for a history class. As I was thinking about events to add, I found that I was adding the events that really have made me who I am - inside and out. There are definitive moments over the course of my life that acted as crossroads for the person I was becoming. Looking back it became clear that it would have been so easy to stay on the same course I was originally headed on, but events in my life caused me to change course, and it is those unplanned, unexpected changes in the road ahead that have truly made my life what it is - made me who I am.
Perhaps then, life feels like a giant waiting game because there are only so many things we can plan and execute fully. Perhaps the life we are meant to have is the life that we cannot plan for and encompasses all the things we've never dreamed of for our own lives.
I should have listened to John Lennon - "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans".
Amen, John.
I've been more than busy making my other plans.
Despite them, this morning I feel myself approaching yet another crossroads in my life... Are we not all approaching a crossroads - in the near or distant future?
And so, we wait.
But we do not wait idly or in vain.
So perhaps we need to change the verb in the sentence of our lives. Let's walk instead of wait.
And so, we walk, ever living and planning until that crossroads appears and our lives - and souls most likely - are changed and our courses altered.
Let's walk towards the fulfillment of the dreams we've yet to dream.
Goodnight, dear void.
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