Song of the Wanderer
Across the gently rolling hills,
Beyond high mountain peaks,
Along the shores of distant seas,
There's something my heart seeks.
But there's no peace in wandering,
The road's not made for rest.
And footsore fools will never know
What home might suit them best.
But, oh, the things I have seen,
The secret paths I've trod,
The hidden corners of the world
Known to none but me and God.
Yes, the world was meant for knowing,
And feet were meant to roam,
But one who's always going
Will never find a home.
Oh, where's the thread that binds me,
The voice that calls me back?
Where's the love that finds me-
And what's the root I lack?
My heart seeks the hearth,
My feet seek the road.
A soul so divided
Is a terrible load.
My heart longs to rest,
My feet yearn to roam.
Shall I wander the world
Or stay safe at home?
-Bruce Coville
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Boxes in my heart
All of April is gone.
It's hard to believe that as I sit here typing, half of May is gone too.
My life is on the move again. This morning I realized that subconsciously I have been boycotting all the movement to some extent. My family is moving home from Hong Kong into a new house. Which means I am packing up the condo they have been using as a summer home (and I have been using as a home home)for the last two years and filling the garage with boxes.
To this end, I've been holed up in my house claiming to be packing since the semester got out. I've been sorting through things and going through piles of papers that I meant to go through a long time ago. It's been a process.
And yet, in a flash of deep understanding this morning I realized that I didn't have any boxes.
You can't be moving - or even packing for that matter - if you don't have any boxes.
Turns out... I don't want to move.
I understand why I am moving, but that still doesn't make me want it anymore than I would if I didn't have good reason for doing it. I know I should be excited about the development and growth that will surely come in this new chapter of my life, but I guess I just can't shake the feeling that I just barely put down roots here. I just got attached to people in my life, and moving means I have to give them up.
The letting-go part of change is the part I struggle with. I want the new people and places that change will bring, but I don't want to have to let go of the people and places I already have and already love. It's a constant battle I fight every time I pick up and move.
Strangely enough, while I struggle with this aspect of life's journey, I also find it to be one of the most beautiful and rewarding parts of that journey. Change is the nature of the life we live. It will always happen. Every day we are moving closer and closer to a change that will alter the very fabric of our existence- every day closer to a crossroads where we will chose to explore a new, and up to this point unknown, path that will lead us to more unexplored regions of our potential universe. We cannot possibly know where our lives will end up, because most of the paths we will chose in the future are hidden from the view of our current selves.
It is this unknown side of life that gives living every day to its fullest its importance. If we could have any given day back to do over again or to relive, it would cheapen the experience and make the memory worthless, because we could have it again anytime. We can't have yesterday back; all we can have are the memories of the days already gone be. We have to live today filled to the brim with adventure and love, because we can never get today back.
So, tonight I will finally get some boxes and finally really start moving. Am I sad to be leaving this place and this set of people who have shaped and molded me? Of course. I have loved my time here. I have become a whole new and improved version of myself - Abby 22.0 if you will - and that cannot be forgotten. But, I don't plan on forgetting it, or forgetting anyone from this place.
They have become a part of me as I hope I have become a part of them too. Every person you meet leaves something with you; you carry them in your daily living - recognized or not. We all leave impressions on one another, and those impressions give way to decisions we make about the person we are and the person we will become. We never truly leave anyone, or any place, behind us. We pack the memories of them up in boxes and store them in our hearts and minds until the information they carry in them becomes useful or something reminds us of them. Then we open the boxes and take out the memories.
And we are changed, again.
Goodnight, dear void.
It's hard to believe that as I sit here typing, half of May is gone too.
My life is on the move again. This morning I realized that subconsciously I have been boycotting all the movement to some extent. My family is moving home from Hong Kong into a new house. Which means I am packing up the condo they have been using as a summer home (and I have been using as a home home)for the last two years and filling the garage with boxes.
To this end, I've been holed up in my house claiming to be packing since the semester got out. I've been sorting through things and going through piles of papers that I meant to go through a long time ago. It's been a process.
And yet, in a flash of deep understanding this morning I realized that I didn't have any boxes.
You can't be moving - or even packing for that matter - if you don't have any boxes.
Turns out... I don't want to move.
I understand why I am moving, but that still doesn't make me want it anymore than I would if I didn't have good reason for doing it. I know I should be excited about the development and growth that will surely come in this new chapter of my life, but I guess I just can't shake the feeling that I just barely put down roots here. I just got attached to people in my life, and moving means I have to give them up.
The letting-go part of change is the part I struggle with. I want the new people and places that change will bring, but I don't want to have to let go of the people and places I already have and already love. It's a constant battle I fight every time I pick up and move.
Strangely enough, while I struggle with this aspect of life's journey, I also find it to be one of the most beautiful and rewarding parts of that journey. Change is the nature of the life we live. It will always happen. Every day we are moving closer and closer to a change that will alter the very fabric of our existence- every day closer to a crossroads where we will chose to explore a new, and up to this point unknown, path that will lead us to more unexplored regions of our potential universe. We cannot possibly know where our lives will end up, because most of the paths we will chose in the future are hidden from the view of our current selves.
It is this unknown side of life that gives living every day to its fullest its importance. If we could have any given day back to do over again or to relive, it would cheapen the experience and make the memory worthless, because we could have it again anytime. We can't have yesterday back; all we can have are the memories of the days already gone be. We have to live today filled to the brim with adventure and love, because we can never get today back.
So, tonight I will finally get some boxes and finally really start moving. Am I sad to be leaving this place and this set of people who have shaped and molded me? Of course. I have loved my time here. I have become a whole new and improved version of myself - Abby 22.0 if you will - and that cannot be forgotten. But, I don't plan on forgetting it, or forgetting anyone from this place.
They have become a part of me as I hope I have become a part of them too. Every person you meet leaves something with you; you carry them in your daily living - recognized or not. We all leave impressions on one another, and those impressions give way to decisions we make about the person we are and the person we will become. We never truly leave anyone, or any place, behind us. We pack the memories of them up in boxes and store them in our hearts and minds until the information they carry in them becomes useful or something reminds us of them. Then we open the boxes and take out the memories.
And we are changed, again.
Goodnight, dear void.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Keylen
Stop running. Slow down. Breathe. Breathe. Don't turn around. No looking back. Keep walking.
A twig snaps and she whirls herself around, unwillingly admitting that she isn't quite alone as she'd hoped. Then again she knew she'd never truly been alone. Now there was unmistakable evidence to that fact.
"Hello?"
"Hello."
"Who are you? Do you know who I am? Why are you following me?" Stay calm. Keep your voice even.
"My name is Keylen, and yes, I know who you are. I will not speak your name here, for I know you have traveled far and wide to erase it from their memories." She motioned to the trees around us, fully understanding their power as I did. "I am not here to harm you, or to force you to travel a path you do not choose yourself. I am merely here to serve as a protection, should you need one. Though you have demonstrated time and again that protection is an area in which you rarely require aid. Nevertheless, I have come to offer myself to you. If not for protection or guidance, than for companionship. I know you can do this on your own, I am simply letting you know that you do not have to do this thing all alone. There are others on your side who are here, ready and willing, to do whatever you may need us to do. Please, stop running from me; let me walk and run with you. Please."
Her accent was thick, her message sincere.
"Come, Keylen. Let us go."
A twig snaps and she whirls herself around, unwillingly admitting that she isn't quite alone as she'd hoped. Then again she knew she'd never truly been alone. Now there was unmistakable evidence to that fact.
"Hello?"
"Hello."
"Who are you? Do you know who I am? Why are you following me?" Stay calm. Keep your voice even.
"My name is Keylen, and yes, I know who you are. I will not speak your name here, for I know you have traveled far and wide to erase it from their memories." She motioned to the trees around us, fully understanding their power as I did. "I am not here to harm you, or to force you to travel a path you do not choose yourself. I am merely here to serve as a protection, should you need one. Though you have demonstrated time and again that protection is an area in which you rarely require aid. Nevertheless, I have come to offer myself to you. If not for protection or guidance, than for companionship. I know you can do this on your own, I am simply letting you know that you do not have to do this thing all alone. There are others on your side who are here, ready and willing, to do whatever you may need us to do. Please, stop running from me; let me walk and run with you. Please."
Her accent was thick, her message sincere.
"Come, Keylen. Let us go."
Friday, March 16, 2012
Waiting Walking
Sometimes I feel like my life is a giant game of waiting. I try to keep moving forward in various aspects of my life, and I've certainly come a long way. And yet... I am still waiting.
At some point it becomes hard to imagine a life without waiting. Is there such a life? Really? We all seem to be waiting for one thing or another.
And while there seems to be so much waiting occuring in my life, there has also been so much change and growth and development.
Life hasn't turned out at all like I thought it would, and it has turned out even less like what I'd planned.
I am nowhere I thought I would be 5 years ago, and I've been a million places I'd never dreamed of going in the same span of time.
Someone once said that life just has a way of working out; I really believe that. My life over the last 5 years has, on occassion, appeared - and even felt - like a massive mess, but it has somehow worked out. Those million places I've ended up have changed my life and shaped my soul.
I recently was writing 'My Story' for a history class. As I was thinking about events to add, I found that I was adding the events that really have made me who I am - inside and out. There are definitive moments over the course of my life that acted as crossroads for the person I was becoming. Looking back it became clear that it would have been so easy to stay on the same course I was originally headed on, but events in my life caused me to change course, and it is those unplanned, unexpected changes in the road ahead that have truly made my life what it is - made me who I am.
Perhaps then, life feels like a giant waiting game because there are only so many things we can plan and execute fully. Perhaps the life we are meant to have is the life that we cannot plan for and encompasses all the things we've never dreamed of for our own lives.
I should have listened to John Lennon - "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans".
Amen, John.
I've been more than busy making my other plans.
Despite them, this morning I feel myself approaching yet another crossroads in my life... Are we not all approaching a crossroads - in the near or distant future?
And so, we wait.
But we do not wait idly or in vain.
So perhaps we need to change the verb in the sentence of our lives. Let's walk instead of wait.
And so, we walk, ever living and planning until that crossroads appears and our lives - and souls most likely - are changed and our courses altered.
Let's walk towards the fulfillment of the dreams we've yet to dream.
Goodnight, dear void.
At some point it becomes hard to imagine a life without waiting. Is there such a life? Really? We all seem to be waiting for one thing or another.
And while there seems to be so much waiting occuring in my life, there has also been so much change and growth and development.
Life hasn't turned out at all like I thought it would, and it has turned out even less like what I'd planned.
I am nowhere I thought I would be 5 years ago, and I've been a million places I'd never dreamed of going in the same span of time.
Someone once said that life just has a way of working out; I really believe that. My life over the last 5 years has, on occassion, appeared - and even felt - like a massive mess, but it has somehow worked out. Those million places I've ended up have changed my life and shaped my soul.
I recently was writing 'My Story' for a history class. As I was thinking about events to add, I found that I was adding the events that really have made me who I am - inside and out. There are definitive moments over the course of my life that acted as crossroads for the person I was becoming. Looking back it became clear that it would have been so easy to stay on the same course I was originally headed on, but events in my life caused me to change course, and it is those unplanned, unexpected changes in the road ahead that have truly made my life what it is - made me who I am.
Perhaps then, life feels like a giant waiting game because there are only so many things we can plan and execute fully. Perhaps the life we are meant to have is the life that we cannot plan for and encompasses all the things we've never dreamed of for our own lives.
I should have listened to John Lennon - "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans".
Amen, John.
I've been more than busy making my other plans.
Despite them, this morning I feel myself approaching yet another crossroads in my life... Are we not all approaching a crossroads - in the near or distant future?
And so, we wait.
But we do not wait idly or in vain.
So perhaps we need to change the verb in the sentence of our lives. Let's walk instead of wait.
And so, we walk, ever living and planning until that crossroads appears and our lives - and souls most likely - are changed and our courses altered.
Let's walk towards the fulfillment of the dreams we've yet to dream.
Goodnight, dear void.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Good morning, Sun
There is something about waking up before the sun that I crave. I love the way it begins to creep through my window in the morning; it is so hope-filled and lovely. And slowly the light fills up the whole house. But those few minutes just before that, I love how it almost isn't sure if it should invade your privacy; its rays almost seem timid as they make their way through the blinds and reach towards you. And it is in their timidness that I love them and wish that they would envelop me and propel me forward into the sunlight of a new day.
Perhaps that is why I'm angry when I wake up at 7:15 every morning (instead of 6:12 when my alarm goes off), at that point I've missed saying 'good morning' to the sun.
Goodnight, dear void.
Perhaps that is why I'm angry when I wake up at 7:15 every morning (instead of 6:12 when my alarm goes off), at that point I've missed saying 'good morning' to the sun.
Goodnight, dear void.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Lullaby on the Wind
Shhh, I know what you're going to say.
You don't need to though.
I understand that you need me.
That goes without saying.
When you looked at me with those eyes,
I knew to come to you.
The way you hold yourself has changed
and the way you hold my hand is different.
Why didn't you come sooner?
Didn't you know I would catch you
before you hit the bottom of this pit?
I'm here, now.
See the color of the water in the fountain,
it's calling your name.
Listen, the wind is singing you a lullaby
to remind you that all is not lost.
In you I am found
and by me you are revealed.
You don't need to though.
I understand that you need me.
That goes without saying.
When you looked at me with those eyes,
I knew to come to you.
The way you hold yourself has changed
and the way you hold my hand is different.
Why didn't you come sooner?
Didn't you know I would catch you
before you hit the bottom of this pit?
I'm here, now.
See the color of the water in the fountain,
it's calling your name.
Listen, the wind is singing you a lullaby
to remind you that all is not lost.
In you I am found
and by me you are revealed.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Bang Bang
Guns shots!
Where those gun shots?! Heaven help us all. Sara and Jared were in front of me, what are the chances that he got them both? Are they alive? Where will he go next? Breathe, Abby, breathe. What do I do now? We're on the learning side of the hospital so thankfully it's evening and no one is here, but what if he goes to the patient side? He could kill any of them and they would be defenseless to stop him. How do you know what a murderer is capable of? If my gut is right and he shot Sara, he just shot the girl he claimed to love; what kind of love are murderers capable of?
Oh my gosh! Sara. Do I run for help to save other innocent lives, or do I try to find out if Sara and Jared are okay? There were two shots fired. That doesn't mean they were intended for different people. He could have shot Jared twice and taken Sara hostage.
How could he have known where we were, or that Sara had decided to turn on him? She'd just made the decision 45 seconds ago as Jared and I were standing, discussing Chinese food. How could he have known?
He was following her. He was in the elevator and must have seen Sara follow me out into the stairwell. That means I've seen him. Think, Abby, think. Who were the people on the elevator? I know you were emotionally compromised, but people's lives are at risk! Where was he?!
Walking in the elevator there was the couple right in front holding hands, gazing. To the right of them were Sara's sisters (are they safe somewhere now?! Focus!), along with a tall brunette woman carrying a medical chart. In the middle in the back was a doctor I've seen many times before, and to the left of the couple was a patient.
THERE HE IS! On the left in the corner, almost invisible as it were. He's looking down, pretending to be focused on the carpet squares beneath his feet; that has to be him! Okay, focus in. What was he wearing? Grey wife beater with blue sweats (he must have had the gun in his pocket), skater tennis shoes, new, hardly worn.
Wait, they were brand new...
Where those gun shots?! Heaven help us all. Sara and Jared were in front of me, what are the chances that he got them both? Are they alive? Where will he go next? Breathe, Abby, breathe. What do I do now? We're on the learning side of the hospital so thankfully it's evening and no one is here, but what if he goes to the patient side? He could kill any of them and they would be defenseless to stop him. How do you know what a murderer is capable of? If my gut is right and he shot Sara, he just shot the girl he claimed to love; what kind of love are murderers capable of?
Oh my gosh! Sara. Do I run for help to save other innocent lives, or do I try to find out if Sara and Jared are okay? There were two shots fired. That doesn't mean they were intended for different people. He could have shot Jared twice and taken Sara hostage.
How could he have known where we were, or that Sara had decided to turn on him? She'd just made the decision 45 seconds ago as Jared and I were standing, discussing Chinese food. How could he have known?
He was following her. He was in the elevator and must have seen Sara follow me out into the stairwell. That means I've seen him. Think, Abby, think. Who were the people on the elevator? I know you were emotionally compromised, but people's lives are at risk! Where was he?!
Walking in the elevator there was the couple right in front holding hands, gazing. To the right of them were Sara's sisters (are they safe somewhere now?! Focus!), along with a tall brunette woman carrying a medical chart. In the middle in the back was a doctor I've seen many times before, and to the left of the couple was a patient.
THERE HE IS! On the left in the corner, almost invisible as it were. He's looking down, pretending to be focused on the carpet squares beneath his feet; that has to be him! Okay, focus in. What was he wearing? Grey wife beater with blue sweats (he must have had the gun in his pocket), skater tennis shoes, new, hardly worn.
Wait, they were brand new...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)