Monday, February 6, 2012
If I were a Red Sweater
There's a red sweater on my floor. It speaks to me and tells me a story of a life I haven't known. Sometimes when I try to imagine the things I might say if I were the same red sweater; they would be different. What would the red sweater say if it were me? Would it highlight the same areas of my story as I do? Would it tell of Latin and Greek and English and French, or would it choose to focus on the colors of my story - red, blue, Yellow, green, pink, black? Life looks very different in the eyes of a sweater. Suddenly my life is not a story of events, it is a catalog of simplicity and wonder much like a one year old's perception where time and events are not the center of focus, rather colors and sounds - blue sky, green grass, yellow sun, train, airplane, bird, Mom. It's amazing how life changes when you look through the eyes of a read sweater.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Rite of Passage?
I got carded tonight. I walked into a bar for a diet coke and a woman asked to see my ID. As I pulled it out and handed it over to the scanner, I felt a twinge in my stomach. I'm 21. This shouldn't have come as a great shock; after all, I have been 21 for 359 days already. I only have 6 days left of being 21, and yet, it wasn't until I handed that lady my horizontal driver's license that it really hit me; I am 21. And with that age comes quite a lot of life history. But, I am still just a baby. I have experienced over two decades worth of change and progress, yet ahead of me lies many more decades of upheaval and growth.
Sitting at the bar sipping my soda I felt out of place. I seemed too young to be able to sit there on that stool branded with the age of the black-lipped stamp on my wrist that seemed to scream to everyone there that I wasn't a wide-eyed 18 year old girl anymore. I was a card-carrying member of adult society, granted that stool as a result of my age. My age. 21 years of my age.
This time next week I will be 22. Life doesn't slow down for anyone; if you blink you just might miss it.
Last night I was at a party and someone asked me which of my skills was my favorite. I had to take a moment to think about it and then replied that I love that I can make an adventure out of anything. I learned that skill from my mother and grandmother. They had a way of making everything seem like it was glittering with magic and intrigue. I remember one section of my childhood when my mom was trying to make exercising seem more appealing, so she would put music on in the living room and make up dance routines with me and my little sister. We would dance and dance and laugh ourselves silly. We had so much fun.
I may have been a wee bit uncomfortable with my age tonight, but I at least could look back at the last 21 years and see adventure at every turn; somehow it makes it seem more real. There is no way a person could fit so much adventure in anything less than 21 fabulous years.
I am 21 as I quite deserve to be.
Goodnight, dear void.
Sitting at the bar sipping my soda I felt out of place. I seemed too young to be able to sit there on that stool branded with the age of the black-lipped stamp on my wrist that seemed to scream to everyone there that I wasn't a wide-eyed 18 year old girl anymore. I was a card-carrying member of adult society, granted that stool as a result of my age. My age. 21 years of my age.
This time next week I will be 22. Life doesn't slow down for anyone; if you blink you just might miss it.
Last night I was at a party and someone asked me which of my skills was my favorite. I had to take a moment to think about it and then replied that I love that I can make an adventure out of anything. I learned that skill from my mother and grandmother. They had a way of making everything seem like it was glittering with magic and intrigue. I remember one section of my childhood when my mom was trying to make exercising seem more appealing, so she would put music on in the living room and make up dance routines with me and my little sister. We would dance and dance and laugh ourselves silly. We had so much fun.
I may have been a wee bit uncomfortable with my age tonight, but I at least could look back at the last 21 years and see adventure at every turn; somehow it makes it seem more real. There is no way a person could fit so much adventure in anything less than 21 fabulous years.
I am 21 as I quite deserve to be.
Goodnight, dear void.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
More than it all
Smile, you're safe now. Laugh, I'm here now. I know you were frightened. I know you didn't know where to turn. But I'm here now;I will hold your hand. Feel my heartbeat against your chest and know that I'm not leaving you alone again. Speak the words you've kept hidden for so long; I am listening. Why were you frightened? Why were you running? Did you see something something out there in the world? What did you see? What did you hear? Breathe, you have time now to catch your breath. There is nothing behind you waiting for you to rest to seize you and drag you backwards in time. Live, nothing is stopping you now. Love, it is the key to everything in life. More than all of it, love.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Provo Tabernacle
The Provo Tabernacle caught fire. The inside was destroyed. Now it's going to be a new Temple for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I used to think my life was broken, or completely destroyed. Turns out sometimes you have to have your life fall apart completely before it can be rebuilt into something even better than its original form.
Just when I thought God had forgotten me entirely, I found He'd actually been keeping me closer at hand than ever before; I just had to open my eyes and see it.
He was building a Temple while I was crying over the burned Tabernacle.
Goodnight, dear void.
I used to think my life was broken, or completely destroyed. Turns out sometimes you have to have your life fall apart completely before it can be rebuilt into something even better than its original form.
Just when I thought God had forgotten me entirely, I found He'd actually been keeping me closer at hand than ever before; I just had to open my eyes and see it.
He was building a Temple while I was crying over the burned Tabernacle.
Goodnight, dear void.
Monday, December 5, 2011
The Eriksons
I met this fabulous family and I just can't get enough of them. I find my car driving to their house more and more often. And we talk for hours. Only to talk for more hours the next time I pop by. I love them. The end.
Goodnight, dear void.
Goodnight, dear void.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
If Only To See the Stars
If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Earth laughs in flowers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
Life is without meaning.
You bring the meaning to it.
The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be.
Being alive is the meaning.
- Joseph Campbell
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene
Happiness depends upon ourselves.
- Aristotle
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here we might as well dance.
- Anonymous
Today I feel like a complete and utter failure in all aspects of my life. But then I think of all the obstacles that I have overcome to get to this place and see that I have made huge strides in a forward direction and breathe again knowing that while my life is still nowhere near perfect, it is also nowhere near failure; tonight that is enough.
Goodnight, dear void.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Earth laughs in flowers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
Life is without meaning.
You bring the meaning to it.
The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be.
Being alive is the meaning.
- Joseph Campbell
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene
Happiness depends upon ourselves.
- Aristotle
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here we might as well dance.
- Anonymous
Today I feel like a complete and utter failure in all aspects of my life. But then I think of all the obstacles that I have overcome to get to this place and see that I have made huge strides in a forward direction and breathe again knowing that while my life is still nowhere near perfect, it is also nowhere near failure; tonight that is enough.
Goodnight, dear void.
Friday, September 23, 2011
53 and Main
How is it that there is still so much to do when I've already done so much? Man, I swear, no matter how many hours I spend on this, it is never going to be enough; there will always be more to do. Bah! Man, I am exhausted. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I can't think straight these days. Is it just me or is there too much hazelnut in this hot chocolate. Just my luck, in the middle of the busiest month of my life I can't even get my hot chocolate right. Come on, can't just one thing in my life go right? Ugh.
"Mam?"
"Yes?"
"Would you like another cocoa? Not that it is any of my business, but you come in here every day, order hot cocoa and nothing else, would you like something to eat? You seem very distracted and extremely overworked, might I suggest taking just a moment for yourself and try our chicken cordon bleu? I think it might really give you the edge you seem to be looking for?"
Who is this guy? And why is he so concerned with my hot chocolate intake habits? So what if I come here every day and drink only hot chocolate? What's it to ya? They are my calories, I will spend them how I like. And besides, I tip you very well for each of those hot chocolates, thank you very much.... Sir. Can you hear yourself, get a grip.
"I appreciate very much your interest in the matter, I am actually on my way out today though, just the check would be fine, thank you....Ranaldo."
"As you wish, Madame."
I really do need to start sleeping again, I'm starting to get snippity with people.
"There you are. You're sure there isn't anything else I can do for you today?"
"Not today, Ranaldo. But as always, thank you. I will see you tomorrow."
"But of course. Enjoy your day."
"You as well."
Since when did Ranaldo start talking to customers? He used to be so quiet and reserved. I wonder what changed.
"Hello? Yes, this is she. No, I did not order chrysanthemums, I ordered lilies. No. Yes. White. Pink. Fine, just get it done. Thank you."
My tooth is acting up again; I really need to find time to get into that dentist. I didn't really like him last time though. I think he messed up my teeth alignment. Plus, he left me in that room alone for at least twenty minutes. I nearly feel asleep by the time he finally came back to finish up. Not nearly, I did fall asleep. Who does that to a patient? I don't want to have to find another one though. Who does that?? Breath. Let it go. It doesn't really matter.
"Mom? What is it? Is everything okay? No, I haven't heard from her. I told you, we had a falling out last month and we haven't spoken to each other since. Fine, I will give her a call at the end of the week and check up on her. Yes, I know. Just because I should be the bigger person doesn't mean I am going to be. I will call her. Stop hounding me. Thank you. It was good talking to you, too. Uh huh. Bye."
How do mothers seem to know everything going on in everyone'e live anyways? Shelly and I haven't spoken or communicated in any form for over a month and I certainly am not going to be the one to break the trend. It's not my fault we're in the mess. Whatever, it's not worth my time to think about anyway. Good thing I started Yoga again this fall, otherwise my stress level would be through the roof. As is, I could probably use a little more; maybe I'll pick up another session or two. I wouldn't mind seeing Hannah more often anyway.
"Any messages while I was out, Sandy? I talked to her on my way over. Yes, I know she thinks I should call Shelly, thank you. Oh really, get them on the line, I will take it in my office. Thank you!"
"Yes, thank you for taking my call. I apologize for not being out of the office earlier. Yes, I do have those numbers for you. Are you sure you wanted to stick with that color scheme? I was thinking we might want to look into more of a summer pallet, but I am open to other options as well. Yes, that sounds great. Thank you for you time. I am looking forward to it. Yes. Chao."
"Sandy, will you confirm my dinner reservations for this Saturday night? I need everything to be perfect. Robert and I haven't had a weekend to ourselves in quite some time and I really want to make the most of it. Oh and would mind seeing if the ballet is still running? Othello I think. Thank you."
Okay, almost all done here. Just a few more... done! Man, I might be worried if I wasn't so gosh darn good at what I do! I am fabulous! Now, time for one more finishing touch and I'm outta here! That's a wrap - going home time.
"Sandy, will you call me a cab please? Then you're free to leave. Thank you."
Someday I am going to figure out the bus system, I swear. Or not. I really do love taxis. Meh.
I wonder if Robert will be happy with our weekend holiday in the city. He's seemed so uptight these days, I just want to help him relax a little. And I think we could both use some time to let our hair down.
"53 and main please."
"Mam?"
"Yes?"
"Would you like another cocoa? Not that it is any of my business, but you come in here every day, order hot cocoa and nothing else, would you like something to eat? You seem very distracted and extremely overworked, might I suggest taking just a moment for yourself and try our chicken cordon bleu? I think it might really give you the edge you seem to be looking for?"
Who is this guy? And why is he so concerned with my hot chocolate intake habits? So what if I come here every day and drink only hot chocolate? What's it to ya? They are my calories, I will spend them how I like. And besides, I tip you very well for each of those hot chocolates, thank you very much.... Sir. Can you hear yourself, get a grip.
"I appreciate very much your interest in the matter, I am actually on my way out today though, just the check would be fine, thank you....Ranaldo."
"As you wish, Madame."
I really do need to start sleeping again, I'm starting to get snippity with people.
"There you are. You're sure there isn't anything else I can do for you today?"
"Not today, Ranaldo. But as always, thank you. I will see you tomorrow."
"But of course. Enjoy your day."
"You as well."
Since when did Ranaldo start talking to customers? He used to be so quiet and reserved. I wonder what changed.
"Hello? Yes, this is she. No, I did not order chrysanthemums, I ordered lilies. No. Yes. White. Pink. Fine, just get it done. Thank you."
My tooth is acting up again; I really need to find time to get into that dentist. I didn't really like him last time though. I think he messed up my teeth alignment. Plus, he left me in that room alone for at least twenty minutes. I nearly feel asleep by the time he finally came back to finish up. Not nearly, I did fall asleep. Who does that to a patient? I don't want to have to find another one though. Who does that?? Breath. Let it go. It doesn't really matter.
"Mom? What is it? Is everything okay? No, I haven't heard from her. I told you, we had a falling out last month and we haven't spoken to each other since. Fine, I will give her a call at the end of the week and check up on her. Yes, I know. Just because I should be the bigger person doesn't mean I am going to be. I will call her. Stop hounding me. Thank you. It was good talking to you, too. Uh huh. Bye."
How do mothers seem to know everything going on in everyone'e live anyways? Shelly and I haven't spoken or communicated in any form for over a month and I certainly am not going to be the one to break the trend. It's not my fault we're in the mess. Whatever, it's not worth my time to think about anyway. Good thing I started Yoga again this fall, otherwise my stress level would be through the roof. As is, I could probably use a little more; maybe I'll pick up another session or two. I wouldn't mind seeing Hannah more often anyway.
"Any messages while I was out, Sandy? I talked to her on my way over. Yes, I know she thinks I should call Shelly, thank you. Oh really, get them on the line, I will take it in my office. Thank you!"
"Yes, thank you for taking my call. I apologize for not being out of the office earlier. Yes, I do have those numbers for you. Are you sure you wanted to stick with that color scheme? I was thinking we might want to look into more of a summer pallet, but I am open to other options as well. Yes, that sounds great. Thank you for you time. I am looking forward to it. Yes. Chao."
"Sandy, will you confirm my dinner reservations for this Saturday night? I need everything to be perfect. Robert and I haven't had a weekend to ourselves in quite some time and I really want to make the most of it. Oh and would mind seeing if the ballet is still running? Othello I think. Thank you."
Okay, almost all done here. Just a few more... done! Man, I might be worried if I wasn't so gosh darn good at what I do! I am fabulous! Now, time for one more finishing touch and I'm outta here! That's a wrap - going home time.
"Sandy, will you call me a cab please? Then you're free to leave. Thank you."
Someday I am going to figure out the bus system, I swear. Or not. I really do love taxis. Meh.
I wonder if Robert will be happy with our weekend holiday in the city. He's seemed so uptight these days, I just want to help him relax a little. And I think we could both use some time to let our hair down.
"53 and main please."
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